Dear Alcohol,

First and foremost, let me say I've been a devoted fan for years. As a friend, you've consistently been there: the perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and even a cozy presence in holiday chocolates during those endless family gatherings.

However, lately, I've been questioning your intentions. While I want to believe you have my best interests at heart, I feel your influence has led to some decidedly unwise consequences:

1. Late-Night Phone Calls: While I agree communication is important, I seriously doubt the necessity or substance of any conversation initiated after 2 a.m. Why the persistent urge to dial ex-partners who, I know for a fact, wouldn't welcome a call during daylight hours, let alone the dead of night?

2. Questionable Culinary Decisions: You know I appreciate a good meal, but your recent suggestions have been… excessive. A kebab, butter chicken curry, and a sausage with cheese, onion, and mustard, all washed down with wine and topped off with a Kit Kat after a generous serving of sweet chilli and sour cream Red Rock chips? My palate is adventurous, but this felt like a step too far.

3. Unnecessary Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly suggesting I need to incorporate more yoga into my routine to improve my balance, I see no reason for the sudden increase in tripping and falling. It's entirely unnecessary, and the mysterious bruises that appear the next day are baffling. Similarly, fumbling with the front door key for over 45 seconds should never be a recurring event.

4. The Hangovers: This has to stop. It's becoming unbearable. While I understand a degree of penance might be in order for our previous evening's indulgences, the 3 p.m. hangover-induced immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is wasted. I request that if proper precautions are taken – water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin – prior to sleep (or passing out face-first on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn), the resulting hangover should be minimal and in no way impede my daily activities.

Alcohol, our friendship has been a source of great stories, much laughter, and a convenient solution for unexpected surplus funds. To ensure our continued good standing, I implore you to carefully consider my grievances and address them promptly. I look forward to your proposed solutions by Thursday at 3 p.m. (pre-happy hour), hoping we can maintain this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,

Your Biggest Fan

P.S.

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative

2. Preliminary

3. Proliferation

4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity

2. British Constitution

3. Passive-aggressive disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.

2. Nope, no more beer for me.

3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?

5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

:lol: :pmsl:

sounds like me n my best friend

Haha