A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and

starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out:

'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

 

Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go

'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing

on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

 

"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and

put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."

 

And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking

money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this

my livelihood.'

 

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a

lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

 

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a

little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'So that was nice."

 

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming

baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

 

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'

He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

 

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he

said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second

time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up

a third time and said 'You're managing director.'And I went into a tree. And

a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered

off the road.'

 

Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says

"I'll give you some cream to put on it."

 

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't

reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks are too

high.'

 

I was cleaning out the attic the other day with the wife. Filthy, dirty and

covered with cobwebs.... but she's good with the kids..."

 

 

 

hhahahaha

tony, ud have been booed of the stage at the comedy club we was at last night.... u were even worse than their shitty comedians!!

oh and thanks Claire, atleast you know what real comedy is!

hehe yeah got a chuckle from me

claire, wat r u on..... he aint funny!

Oi........Loudy..............Claire can decide for herself.....ner ner.

 

Can't you Claire?

just cos u aint as funny as me!

HA HA HA HA NICE ONE TONY !!!