>The guy who wrote this is a genius. The letter to a bank below is an

> > > >actual letter sent to a bank in the United States. The bank manager

> > thought

> > > >it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

> > > >

> > > >Dear Sir:

> > > >I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I

>endeavoured

> > > >to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds

> > > >must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in

>my

> > > >account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the

> > > >automatic

> > > >monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement that, I admit, has

> > only

> > > >been in place for eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that

> > > >brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account by $50 by

> > way

> > > >of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness

> > > >springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink

> > my

> > > >errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal

> > righteousness.

> > > >No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant

>incidents,

> > > >for I am restructuring my affairs in 2002, taking as my model the

> > > >procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no

> > > >greater compliment and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it.

> > To

> > > >this end, please be advised of the following changes:

> > > >

> > > >I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls

> > and

> > > >letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal,

> > > >ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity that your bank has become.

> > > >

> > > >From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood

> > person.

> > > >My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no

>longer

> > be

> > > >automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally

> > and

> > > >confidentially to an employee at your branch whom you must nominate.

>You

> > > >will be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other

> > > >person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application

> > > >Contact Status, which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am

> > > >sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about

>him

> > or

> > > >her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note

> > that

> > > >all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a

> > Notary

> > > >Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation

>(income,

> > > >debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

> > In

> > > >due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she

>must

> > > >quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28

> > > >digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses

> > > >required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As

>they

> > > >say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the

> > playing

> > > >field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which

> > you

> > > >will notice, is very much like yours. My Authorised Contact at your

>bank,

> > > >the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any

> > time

> > > >and will be answered by an automated voice service:

> > > >

> > > >Press buttons as follows:

> > > >1. To make an appointment to see me.

> > > >2. To query a missing payment.

> > > >3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

> > > >4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

> > > >5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

> > > >6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

> > > >7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer

>is

> > > >required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the

>Authorised

> > > >Contact.

> > > >8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

> > > >9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put

> > > >on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering

> > > >service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting

> > music

> > > >will play for the duration of the call. This month I've chosen a

> > > >refrain from "The Best of Woodie Guthrie": "Oh, the banks are made

> > > >of marble, With a guard at every door, And the vaults are filled with

> > > >silver, That the miners sweated for."

> > > >

> > > >On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has

> > > >often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a

> > cost

> > > >which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your

> > > >kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is a matter of

> > > >advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of

> > > >$20 per page. Inquiries from the Authorised Contact will be billed at

>$5

> > > >per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as,

> > for

> > > >example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonoured check, will

>be

> > > >passed back to you. New phone service runs at 75 cents a minute. You

>will

> > > >be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point.

> > Regrettably,

> > > >but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee

> > to

> > > >cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy,

>if

> > > >ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year?

> > > >

> > > >Your Humble Client,

> > > >(Name Withheld)

 

i have issues with my bank all the time.. so this is funny to me.. if only it could happen..lol

genious