Don’t really know where to start with this, or even why I’m doing it. Maybe to get things clear in my own mind. 

I’ve been seeing my girlfriend for a few months now and things have been really nice. That is until I started getting possessive and jealous, whinging about what she wears when she goes clubbing and what she does, and who she talks to. She’s been really good about it, but I can see that’s it’s hurting her. I really don’t know what’s wrong with me. I hate myself for doing it, even as I’m saying things to her it’s killing me inside. I’m trying really hard to get better, it’s just so hard. I know she would never cheat on me and I do trust her not to do anything. That doesn’t seem to matter tho, my insecurity and jealousy take over. I’m terrified of losing her now that I’ve found her, she’s the best thing that’s happened to me in years.

It’s not the first time this has happened with me. I’ve driven away several girls because of my behaviour. I don’t blame them, or her for feeling under pressure. It’s got to the point where she thinks she has to report in to me about what she’s doing. I don’t want it to be like this, I hate this atmosphere and I can see what it’s doing to her.

She’s having other problems at the moment too, and instead of being understanding and supportive, I’m giving her one more thing to deal with. I know she doesn’t need the extra pressure I’m putting her under.

I’ve tried to get better, and I think I am slowly, but I fear I’ve left it too little too late. I really want to break out of this cycle, I can’t keep on driving those close to me away. It’s ripping me apart causing her misery, she’s the most important thing in my life and I’m slowly destroying it.

I don’t know what to do anymore, I’ve always been able to cope with everything that life has thrown at me, but that’s been on my own. I don’t know how to deal with this tho. I know I can’t change overnight, but I am trying. I think I am changing my attitudes but I don’t know. Maybe I’m kidding myself. Maybe I’ll always be like this.

At the moment we’re taking a break, because of this and other things too. I don’t want to lose her, but I don’t think we can get back together until I deal with my insecurities.

Anonymous said:

Don’t really know where to start with this, or even why I’m doing it. Maybe to get things clear in my own mind.

 

I’ve been seeing my girlfriend for a few months now and things have been really nice. That is until I started getting possessive and jealous, whinging about what she wears when she goes clubbing and what she does, and who she talks to. She’s been really good about it, but I can see that’s it’s hurting her. I really don’t know what’s wrong with me. I hate myself for doing it, even as I’m saying things to her it’s killing me inside. I’m trying really hard to get better, it’s just so hard. I know she would never cheat on me and I do trust her not to do anything. That doesn’t seem to matter tho, my insecurity and jealousy take over. I’m terrified of losing her now that I’ve found her, she’s the best thing that’s happened to me in years.

It’s not the first time this has happened with me. I’ve driven away several girls because of my behaviour. I don’t blame them, or her for feeling under pressure. It’s got to the point where she thinks she has to report in to me about what she’s doing. I don’t want it to be like this, I hate this atmosphere and I can see what it’s doing to her.

She’s having other problems at the moment too, and instead of being understanding and supportive, I’m giving her one more thing to deal with. I know she doesn’t need the extra pressure I’m putting her under.

I’ve tried to get better, and I think I am slowly, but I fear I’ve left it too little too late. I really want to break out of this cycle, I can’t keep on driving those close to me away. It’s ripping me apart causing her misery, she’s the most important thing in my life and I’m slowly destroying it.

I don’t know what to do anymore, I’ve always been able to cope with everything that life has thrown at me, but that’s been on my own. I don’t know how to deal with this tho. I know I can’t change overnight, but I am trying. I think I am changing my attitudes but I don’t know. Maybe I’m kidding myself. Maybe I’ll always be like this.

At the moment we’re taking a break, because of this and other things too. I don’t want to lose her, but I don’t think we can get back together until I deal with my insecurities.

 

Personally, I don't think you should ever get back with her. Yo uare just going to hurt yourself by doubting all the time.

 

You say she is the best thing thats happened to you for ages, then the question must be asked, why 'order' her about? Why doubt her?

 

'I know she would never cheat on me'...if this is truely the case, then there should be no problem.

 

Do yoou have seperate groups of friends? Do you go out for 'big nights' without each other? If not, this could be the reason. The thought of losing someone so integral to your life means that if that person is lost - you have nothing.

 

I would advise, and I'm really sorry if it sounds abrupt and nasty (its just meant honestly) that you should stick to being friends. Maybe when you have a secure basis there, you can step it up a gear.

 

P.S. I honestly don't get the thing about what girls wear when they are out. So what, they may, in your opinion, make her look 'sluttish' or whatever in the eyes of a guy.... the way I see it, if i'm with a gorgeous girl and she dresses skimpily....damn how proud would I be??

If you want to be with her, youve got to follow your heart and work on it together.

 

If you say you know she would never cheat, then maybe it's time you listened to yourself.

LittleMissLoud said:

 

If you say you know she would never cheat, then maybe it's time you listened to yourself.

 

Amen LML...now you don't only look like someone I know, you 'sound' like them too....

addy2hotty said:

LittleMissLoud said:

 

If you say you know she would never cheat, then maybe it's time you listened to yourself.

 

Amen LML...now you don't only look like someone I know, you 'sound' like them too....

 

??????????????

Anonymous said:

Don’t really know where to start with this, or even why I’m doing it. Maybe to get things clear in my own mind.

 

I’ve been seeing my girlfriend for a few months now and things have been really nice. That is until I started getting possessive and jealous, whinging about what she wears when she goes clubbing and what she does, and who she talks to. She’s been really good about it, but I can see that’s it’s hurting her. I really don’t know what’s wrong with me. I hate myself for doing it, even as I’m saying things to her it’s killing me inside. I’m trying really hard to get better, it’s just so hard. I know she would never cheat on me and I do trust her not to do anything. That doesn’t seem to matter tho, my insecurity and jealousy take over. I’m terrified of losing her now that I’ve found her, she’s the best thing that’s happened to me in years.

It’s not the first time this has happened with me. I’ve driven away several girls because of my behaviour. I don’t blame them, or her for feeling under pressure. It’s got to the point where she thinks she has to report in to me about what she’s doing. I don’t want it to be like this, I hate this atmosphere and I can see what it’s doing to her.

She’s having other problems at the moment too, and instead of being understanding and supportive, I’m giving her one more thing to deal with. I know she doesn’t need the extra pressure I’m putting her under.

I’ve tried to get better, and I think I am slowly, but I fear I’ve left it too little too late. I really want to break out of this cycle, I can’t keep on driving those close to me away. It’s ripping me apart causing her misery, she’s the most important thing in my life and I’m slowly destroying it.

I don’t know what to do anymore, I’ve always been able to cope with everything that life has thrown at me, but that’s been on my own. I don’t know how to deal with this tho. I know I can’t change overnight, but I am trying. I think I am changing my attitudes but I don’t know. Maybe I’m kidding myself. Maybe I’ll always be like this.

At the moment we’re taking a break, because of this and other things too. I don’t want to lose her, but I don’t think we can get back together until I deal with my insecurities.

 

Listen mate, as I've said, you have to give her the space she needs, trust me, she will come round soon enough. She will appreciate that.

addy2hotty said:

Personally, I don't think you should ever get back with her. Yo uare just going to hurt yourself by doubting all the time.

 

So what's the alternative, go through the rest of my life alone ? Thing is, I think she may be the one strong enough, understanding enough and supportive enough to help me beat this problem.

 

You say she is the best thing thats happened to you for ages, then the question must be asked, why 'order' her about? Why doubt her?

 

'I know she would never cheat on me'...if this is truely the case, then there should be no problem.

 

It's not as simple as that. I wish I could snap my fingers and stop this [censored]. Knowing something intellectualy is not the same thing as feeling it emotionally. Emotions are not rational. I'm trying to get them in line with my head, and I think I am succeeding. But it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I hate being split apart like this.

And I don't 'order her around', it's not that bad, I just make her feel uncomfortable when I have no right to.

 

Do yoou have seperate groups of friends? Do you go out for 'big nights' without each other? If not, this could be the reason. The thought of losing someone so integral to your life means that if that person is lost - you have nothing.

 

We do, yes. But I understand what you're saying. I'm not basing my whole life around her, but she is a huge part of it.

 

I would advise, and I'm really sorry if it sounds abrupt and nasty (its just meant honestly) that you should stick to being friends. Maybe when you have a secure basis there, you can step it up a gear.

 

The problem with that is that I don't think I'm going to get any better as friends. If we are friends, the problem goes away. If the problem goes away, I don't have to deal with it. If I don't deal with it, I'll never beat this thing. I know that's it's unfair of me to ask her to deal with this with me, and I'll understand if she doesn't want to. But I think I need her help.

 

P.S. I honestly don't get the thing about what girls wear when they are out. So what, they may, in your opinion, make her look 'sluttish' or whatever in the eyes of a guy.... the way I see it, if i'm with a gorgeous girl and she dresses skimpily....damn how proud would I be??

 

It's never a problem when I'm with her, I do feel proud. I forgot to mention there's also distance involved, and when I'm not there to 'look after her', my head makes up ridiculous paranoid scenarios which I know are complete bollocks, but still do my head in. And it's not so much her I'm thinking about, as it is all the other blokes leering at her. If she wasn't so gorgeous and sexy it probably wouldn't be a problem. I think I feel threatened by all these other blokes she meets when she's out clubbing without me, I'm convinced they're all trying to chat her up. I'm just a mess.

You need to sit down and explain it all to her, and not start shouting and throwing accusations, but talk properly.

 

I wouldn't leave it too long though, cos it might be too late!

 

Good luck though

Listen mate, it takes time and you will beat it, that girl has her head screwed on and you will be fine, but it will take time. You know my number, call me.

LittleMissLoud said:

You need to sit down and explain it all to her, and not start shouting and throwing accusations, but talk properly.

 

We are talking about it, but I don't know if it's fair of me to ask her to deal with this at the moment considering what else she has on her plate.

As for shouting, I don't think we've ever argued really.

 

I wouldn't leave it too long though, cos it might be too late!

 

I know. That's what scares me to death.

 

Listen mate, it takes time and you will beat it, that girl has her head screwed on and you will be fine, but it will take time. You know my number, call me.

 

No, what is it ? You are right, she has got her head screwed on. But as I said I just don't know if she should have to deal with it.

 

Thanks for the advice guys.

I feel sorry for the poor girl!

 

At least you have some insight in to your problem though, abd you want to sort it.

 

 

You know what you are doing wrong & only you can deal with it hun!!!

 

Take it one step at time, it's not easy, I know, but it is you that is putting the doubts no-one else!!

 

Your own jealousy & distrust will drive you mad & it's you doing it to yourself..

 

Ask yourself why you feel like this & has she really given you reason to feel like this??

 

I do sympathize with you & wish all the luck, but as ive said, only you can deal with this & sort it out!!

ONE STEP AT A TIME!!

Anonymous said:

I think I feel threatened by all these other blokes she meets when she's out clubbing without me, I'm convinced they're all trying to chat her up. I'm just a mess.

So what if they do try to chat her up? Every time I go to a club with my g/f, as soon as I leave her for a few minutes, some bloke comes to chat her up! Big deal, it's flattery really, and I know she wouldn't cheat on me! Besides, if she was so easily tempted away from me, then maybe it wasn't meant to be.

 

Why do you feel "threatened" by other blokes? Do you think they're better than you in some way? It sounds to me like the main problem is this: you have a self-confidence crisis. It's nothing to do with how good-looking your g/f is, you need to start believing in yourself.

 

I know I'm not the best looking bloke in the world (!) but I wouldn't expect my g/f to go off with someone else just because they were "better looking". Why not? Because I know I wouldn't go off with someone else, no matter how good looking they were.

liquideyes said:

So what if they do try to chat her up? Every time I go to a club with my g/f, as soon as I leave her for a few minutes, some bloke comes to chat her up! Big deal, it's flattery really, and I know she wouldn't cheat on me! Besides, if she was so easily tempted away from me, then maybe it wasn't meant to be.

It's not a problem when we're out together, I've left her on her own in clubs and had no problems. It's when she's a 100 miles away I get paranoid. And as I said, I know she wouldn't cheat on me.

 

Why do you feel "threatened" by other blokes? Do you think they're better than you in some way? It sounds to me like the main problem is this: you have a self-confidence crisis. It's nothing to do with how good-looking your g/f is, you need to start believing in yourself.

 

You're right, it is a self confidence thing. There are things that threaten me, distance for one. I'm paranoid she'll get fed up of putting up with the hassle of a long-distance relationship and go for one closer to home.

 

I know I'm not the best looking bloke in the world (!) but I wouldn't expect my g/f to go off with someone else just because they were "better looking". Why not? Because I know I wouldn't go off with someone else, no matter how good looking they were.

 

It's not about being better looking, I'm really not worried about blokes being better looking than me, I don't think she's that superficial.

Jealousy and insecurity - I know them well. Nightmare!

 

The Problem

When you go on and on at your partner she doesn't see your insecurity, she only sees your bitching and your attempts to "control" her, therefore she sees it as though you're picking on her and making her feel like she's done something wrong.

 

The Solution?

Get calm, sit down, and talk. Don't put on any hard front, and be completely truthful. She needs to see your reasons for your possessivenes.

 

Explain to her exactly what you said in your original posting, about your reasons for being possessive (how you're scared you may lose her, not because she's a fickle slapper in a mini-skirt, but because of your own insecurities).

 

Ask her to try to help you by being sympathetic to your problem - to reassure you and tell you you're wonderful and gorgeous and she wouldn't swap you for Brad Pitt etc., and hopefully you'll start to feel more confident about the distance between you.

 

And fight it. Fight it really hard. I know it's hard, but next time you feel the words "oh god you're never going out in THAT dress are you?" coming into your head, exchange them for "you look fantastic, don't forget i love you".

 

It's a matter of will-power on your part. It's so tempting to say those words that you know won't do either of you any good. Next time you reach for the "cream cake" think to yourself "do i really want it, or would i prefer a flat stomach?"

 

Hope that makes sense. Good luck.

 

Cherry.x