Cherry said:

Jealousy and insecurity - I know them well. Nightmare!

 

The Problem

When you go on and on at your partner she doesn't see your insecurity, she only sees your bitching and your attempts to "control" her, therefore she sees it as though you're picking on her and making her feel like she's done something wrong.

 

The Solution?

Get calm, sit down, and talk. Don't put on any hard front, and be completely truthful. She needs to see your reasons for your possessivenes.

 

Explain to her exactly what you said in your original posting, about your reasons for being possessive (how you're scared you may lose her, not because she's a fickle slapper in a mini-skirt, but because of your own insecurities).

 

Ask her to try to help you by being sympathetic to your problem - to reassure you and tell you you're wonderful and gorgeous and she wouldn't swap you for Brad Pitt etc., and hopefully you'll start to feel more confident about the distance between you.

 

And fight it. Fight it really hard. I know it's hard, but next time you feel the words "oh god you're never going out in THAT dress are you?" coming into your head, exchange them for "you look fantastic, don't forget i love you".

 

It's a matter of will-power on your part. It's so tempting to say those words that you know won't do either of you any good. Next time you reach for the "cream cake" think to yourself "do i really want it, or would i prefer a flat stomach?"

 

Hope that makes sense. Good luck.

 

Cherry.x

 

 

well written cherry!!!

Cherry said:

...next time you feel the words "oh god you're never going out in THAT dress are you?" coming into your head, exchange them for "you look fantastic, don't forget i love you".

Well said Cherry. A classic example of choosing your words carefully.

P.S. I'll have the cream cake cheers!

Foot on the accelerator and awayyyyyyy we goooooo...

 

I must really seem like an arsehole, oh well

 

good luck anyways

 

 

alternative arsehole replies:

 

"Well get her to take the bus then"

"Let her do the driving!"

"Hey you´ve not even got a license, get off here!"

 

enrolment for the summer term of arsehole classes starting next week, make sure you get your applications in!

Cherry, you really have got your head screwed on.

 

An excellent example proving CTWer's are able to listen to each other, and give sound and informative advice!

Cherry said:

The Problem

When you go on and on at your partner she doesn't see your insecurity, she only sees your bitching and your attempts to "control" her, therefore she sees it as though you're picking on her and making her feel like she's done something wrong.

 

The Solution?

Get calm, sit down, and talk. Don't put on any hard front, and be completely truthful. She needs to see your reasons for your possessivenes.

 

Yeah, I know we need to talk. We're seeing each other at the weekend and hopefully we can have a big chat about this as well as some other things we need to sort out.

 

Explain to her exactly what you said in your original posting, about your reasons for being possessive (how you're scared you may lose her, not because she's a fickle slapper in a mini-skirt, but because of your own insecurities).

 

This is exactly how it is, I am scared to death of losing her.

 

Ask her to try to help you by being sympathetic to your problem - to reassure you and tell you you're wonderful and gorgeous and she wouldn't swap you for Brad Pitt etc., and hopefully you'll start to feel more confident about the distance between you.

 

And fight it. Fight it really hard. I know it's hard, but next time you feel the words "oh god you're never going out in THAT dress are you?" coming into your head, exchange them for "you look fantastic, don't forget i love you".

 

I am trying. I'm gonna fight it as hard as I can. I can't let her slip through my fingers like I've done in the past with girls I care about. I've got better, to the point where when something happens to make me feel those first twinges of jealousy, I make myself go away and think about it rationally, instead of snapping at her like I would in the past.

 

It's a matter of will-power on your part. It's so tempting to say those words that you know won't do either of you any good. Next time you reach for the "cream cake" think to yourself "do i really want it, or would i prefer a flat stomach?"

 

Hope that makes sense. Good luck.

 

Cherry.x

 

Thanks for the advice Cherry, you're a star !

Anon I hope it all goes well, communication is the best way forward hun!!

 

Talk to her & tell how you feel & ask her to reassure you of her feelings!!

 

good luck!!

Anonymous said:

Thanks for the advice Cherry, you're a star !

 

You're very welcome; any time at all. I really hope I've helped.

 

Good luck for this weekend

Anonymous said:

This is exactly how it is, I am scared to death of losing her.

 

hi anon

 

i know exactly how you feel.

 

my girlfriend and i are taking a break just now to work on some personal stuff which was creating problems within our relationship. she's the best thing that's ever happened to me.

 

before we split temporarily, i felt the same way: i could not imagine life without her, was scared to death of losing her, had no idea what i would do if i lost her.

 

this break has taught me one thing. if we split up, life would go on. i'd live.

 

sure, things would suck for a while and i'd be be miserable but the world would not end. the break taught me i can live without her and that is, i believe a really important lesson. i was worried that i was starting to show signs of codependence. have you read about it? you might want to look it up on the web. i'm not saying your are codependent but "i can't imagine living without" is something of a codependent trait. just reading about it helped me get a few things straight in my own head. i have included a (aomewhat longish) item about after my signoff. hope it helps.

 

good luck - i hope things work out for you.

 

alasdair

 

What is Codependence?

Codependence, as the term is used today, has various meanings. In general, it refers to how some past events starting in our childhood "unknowingly" affect some of our attitudes, behaviors and feelings in the present, often with destructive consequences. We are not usually aware of it when it happens; however, there are signs.

 

One key sign, perhaps vague, is that our attitudes or behaviors or feelings are somehow out of proportion to what is happening in our lives in the present. We may feel we are "less than," inherently flawed or shameful. We may feel sad or angry or scared or just plain lonely most of the time. We may try to escape with alcohol, drugs, or various other addictive or compulsive behaviors. Even if we succeed in changing these behaviors, we may still feel "not quite right."

 

The good news is that we can learn how to recognize and deal with our unresolved past so it no longer distorts the present. It becomes a life process, rather than a solution, cure or event.

 

Signs of Codependence

Codependence is most often evident in our relationships with people who are important in our lives, be it at work, in our family, with friends, or with those in authority. How we behave and feel in these settings may indicate if we have a problem.

 

The following statements are designed to acquaint you with some of the common signs of codependence. If you identify with some of these specific or the more general signs mentioned in the prior section, you may wish to investigate further.

 

Low Self Worth

- I feel like I'm different from other people.

- I don't see myself as a lovable, worthwhile person.

- I'm uncomfortable when others compliment me or give me gifts.

- Criticism and disapproval easily hurt me.

- My desire to do things perfectly leads me to procrastinate.

- I feel lonely even when I'm with people.

- I frequently feel either less than or better than others.

- I feel empty, like I have a "hole" inside me.

- I frequently "beat myself up."

- I often judge myself harshly; nothing I do is up to my expectations.

- I often compare how I feel about myself with the outward appearance of others.

 

Controlling Behaviors

- I have difficulty expressing certain kinds of feelings (grief, love, anger, fear).

- I judge people and things as right or wrong, good or bad.

- I let people know only what I think is "safe" for them to know about me.

- I have trouble having fun without drinking or getting "high" first.

- I have a hard time accepting my mistakes.

- I have difficulty asking for help.

- I have trouble balancing work and recreation.

- I like to "numb out" to relax (watch TV, sleep, eat, fantasize), often to my own disadvantage.

- I have a fear of being out of control.

- I sometimes rage in order to get my point across.

- My self worth increases when I solve other people's problems.

- I become resentful when others do not take my advice or will not let me help them.

 

Pleasing Behaviors

- I compromise my own values and integrity in order to be accepted by others.

- I feel guilty when I say "no."

- Often I have sex when I don't really want to.

- I volunteer to do things I really don't want to do.

- I spend a lot of time pretending things are "fine."

- I believe that doing things to care for or please myself is selfish.

- I put other people's needs before my own.

- I usually do what my friends/partner want, rather than what I want to do.

- I rarely let people know when I'm angry.

- I won't say how I really feel, because I'm concerned about how others may react.

 

Relationship Issues

Codependence often turns up in our relationships. Following are additional signs which may help you to see if you or someone in your life needs to find out more about codependence.

- I believe in love at first sight.

- I find people that are nice to me seem boring.

- I believe that if I can get my partner to change, my problems would be solved.

- I can't feel good about myself when my relationship isn't going well.

- I accept sex when I really want love.

- I feel that I'm incomplete when I'm not in a relationship.

- I believe that other people can make me feel angry, happy, sad, etc.

- I want to have good relationships, but they never seem to work out.

- I have trouble being alone without keeping busy.

- I feel responsible for other people's feelings.

- I have trouble getting close to or trusting people.

- I often feel anger that is out of proportion to what is happening.

 

 

What Is Codependency?

Codependents tend to be overly concerned with another person's problem and ignore their own wants and needs while taking extraordinary care of the other person. If you are new to the term you may be wondering "Am I codependent?". While there is no definition or diagnostic criterion for codependence. there is a list of patterns and characteristics as a tool to aid in self evaluation.

 

Patterns and Characteristics of Codependence

 

These patterns and characteristics are offered as a tool to aid in self-evaluation. They may be particularly helpful to newcomers.

 

Denial Patterns:

- I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.

- I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel.

- I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well being of others.

 

Low Self Esteem Patterns:

- I have difficulty making decisions.

- I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never "good enough."

- I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts.

- I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.

- I value others' approval of my thinking, feelings and behavior over my own.

- I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.

 

Compliance Patterns:

- I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others' anger.

- I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.

- I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.

- I value others' opinions and feelings more than my own and am afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.

- I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want.

- I accept sex when I want love.

 

Control Patterns:

- I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.

- I attempt to convince others of what they "should" think and how they "truly" feel.

- I become resentful when others will not let me help them.

- I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.

- I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.

- I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.

- I have to be "needed" in order to have a relationship with others.

alasdairm said:

hi anon

 

i know exactly how you feel.

 

my girlfriend and i are taking a break just now to work on some personal stuff which was creating problems within our relationship. she's the best thing that's ever happened to me.

 

before we split temporarily, i felt the same way: i could not imagine life without her, was scared to death of losing her, had no idea what i would do if i lost her.

 

this break has taught me one thing. if we split up, life would go on. i'd live.

 

sure, things would suck for a while and i'd be be miserable but the world would not end. the break taught me i can live without her and that is, i believe a really important lesson. i was worried that i was starting to show signs of codependence. have you read about it? you might want to look it up on the web. i'm not saying your are codependent but "i can't imagine living without" is something of a codependent trait. just reading about it helped me get a few things straight in my own head. i have included a (aomewhat longish) item about after my signoff. hope it helps.

 

good luck - i hope things work out for you.

 

alasdair

 

I understand what you're saying, and thanks for the advice. In the past certainly I may have had some co-dependant tendancies, but I don't think I have in this relationship. Maybe I was being a bit melodramtic in my earlier posts, the first one was written while I was very emotional. I realise that life would go on, having this break has had the same affect on me, as you say, life may not be very nice for a while, but I'd cope. That's what humans do, cope with change. Also, the fact that if we do split it will be completely mutual and for the best helps put things in perspective. As they say, you have to love yourself before loving others.

Having said all that, my life is so much more complete now, and I really hope things work out. I am confident they will tho, I am certain I have the strength to beat this.

 

 

 

Anonymous said:

...the first one was written while I was very emotional.

...I am certain I have the strength to beat this.

 

nothing wrong with a bit of emotion if you don't bottle it up.

 

this message makes it sound to me like you're well on your way to sorting this out.

 

good luck

 

alasdair