Aleksandra said:

Cherry has just explained that it's not about cheating anyway. Sorry!

 

well, reading between the lines, i was extrapolating. i know it's a bit of a stretch but there's not much ground between "my partner is not satisifed with me" to "...he may seek satisfaction elsewhere".

 

but now i'm generalising and i know that's rarely a good thing. good call. thanks.

 

 

But just to play devil's advocate: if 5 years from now you found out that your girlfriend spent months fantasising about having sex with your best mate, would you simply congratulate her on not having acted on it, or would you feel hurt at all? I am not presuming your answer here - if you can honestly say that you would only see that as a positive because her actions were true to your relationship, regardless of her thoughts - then you're a very big man and have my full admiration!

 

well, i can not answer your question with the level of depth or detail i might like as i like to keep my private life reasonably private.

 

generally speaking, i try to concentrate on actions 'in the moment' so i'd like to think i would see the bigger picture here. this is a double-edged sword and i would expect to treat her the way i expect to be treated with regard to fantasy.

 

a fantasy is just that - a fantasy.

 

thought-provoking post. thanks.

 

alasdair

Alasdair, sorry I didn't mean to get too personal.

I take your comments on board though, it certainly sounds like you'd be consistent to your value-system even in a situation like that.

 

Well that's probably all I have to say on this thread.

Cherry, good luck, let us know what happens

I'm with Alasdair on this one. Alek, I take your point that this is not about "cheating" per se, but if it isn't, then what is it about?

 

I think what we're saying is this: are there different degrees of cheating?

 

Looking?

Fantasising?

Flirting? (indulging your ego but falling short of actually doing something)

 

I firmly believe that someone can think what they want (the most degrading / perverse / even illegal thoughts) as long as they don't actually do anything to harm another person (or their feelings). If Cherry's boyfriend goes ahead with the strip club thing even though he knows it will upset her, then that would be wrong. But I think it would be healthy to examine the reasons why it should upset you, otherwise you're avoiding the core problem (e.g. your insecurity and/or his untrustworthiness) which could manifest itself in other ways in the future.

 

I actually believe (and have had some private experiences to support this belief) that some things are actually better in fantasy than they are for real!

 

E.g. perhaps actually shagging some [censored]-for-brains tart would be an anti-climax after fantasising about it! (by comparison to shagging someone you are in love with)

 

Back to the "comparison" think: it is a fallacy to think there is some objective, meaningful scale of attraction on which all people can be judged. Some people are more classically beautiful but don't have that "x-factor". So I think this idea of someone else being "better" or "fitter" than you is not entirely useful.

liquideyes said:

E.g. perhaps actually shagging some [censored]-for-brains tart would be an anti-climax after fantasising about it!

 hang on Andy, I've met a lot of very intelligent and classy lap dancers who have done the job as a short term measure to build up capital to later jump-start a business.

I wasn't talking about lap-dancers, I was talking about CreamyC.

! LMAO !

liquideyes said:

I wasn't talking about lap-dancers, I was talking about CreamyC.

 

Damm you.

My 2p:

 

Just this morning me and the bird had a disagreement about me talking about the attractiveness of other women (in fact it was about some pictures of a certain lady on here ). I don't see what's wrong with me appreciating the looks of other women, it doesn't mean I'm going to shag them.

Ok, at some basic non-intellectual level I may be attracted to them, but I know that if anything happened, I'd lose my girlfriend, and I'm not prepared to let that happen. My relationship is based on more than just physical attributes and means more to me that a quick [censored].

As someone said earlier, men are programmed to look at other women. The fact that I'm open and honest about it seems to bother my girlfriend, but I'm not sure why. Would she rather I kept it all secret and hidden ?

Apparently tho, it's OK for her to wear very revealing outfits. Can some explain to me why it's not OK for me to look at other women, but it is OK for other blokes to look at her ?

As you said Cherry, it's your insecurities, you're not going to stop a bloke looking at other women, you're just going to make him lie about it.

I think it all lies down to having insecurites.

 

Some people, men and women, (but more so women IMO) are actually insecure with their other partner. But the yhave their reasons. I guess Trsut is also another issue. You have to have trust combined in a relationship for the relationship to work.

 

Anyway - in summary - If you don't trust your parnter, and think that these thoughts of other women (and vice versa)would be put into practice, then there is no point to the relationship.

 

That's my 2p.

But Ray,

 

What if this woman turned out to be more than just a quick [censored] ?

Ray, was that the member who joined last week? The 12 year old ? I agree, shes nice but too young mate. Anyway, stop perving.

It is as I said before human nature to look at atractive things, however IMO if you are in a relationship, then keeping pictures or looking at pictures is wrong unless you are looking & getting aroused together!!

 

 

miss_diddy said:

keeping pictures or looking at pictures is wrong unless you are looking & getting aroused together!!

Why? I'm wary of "rules" in a relationship.

 

Do you also believe, therefore, that it is wrong to masturbate when you're not together? Or if you watch a film with a sex scene, is it wrong to get turned on by it?

 

What I'm saying is, what's the difference whether you are turned on by your own dirty thoughts, or you are turned on by a picture? Men & women are turned on in different ways, and I don't see the big deal about looking at other women, or images of women, as long as you don't cheat.

miss_diddy said:

keeping pictures or looking at pictures is wrong unless you are looking & getting aroused together!!

 

Exactly.

 

I don't quite understand why someone would want to go to a strip club to get aroused and fantasise about being with the women there, when they are with someone.

Andy read what Capt_Jack has quoted!!!!!! IMO it is fine if you are both ok with it etc & maybe looking together, but if I came across a secret stash of pics then yeh id be hurt, but if we were both into looking at pics for sexual pleasure then cool!!