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a bear a lion and a chicken are sitting talking about who is the hardest.the bear says when i roar the whole forest trembles,the lion says when i roar the whole jungle shakes with fear,the chicken says all i have to do is cough and the whole fuckin world shits itself!

>A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to >file her taxes. The accountant says: "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you >a few questions." > >He gets her name, address, social security number, etc, and then asks, >"what is your occupation?" > >"I'm a whore," she says. > >"No, No, No, that won't work. That is too gross. Let's try to rephrase >that." > >The woman says, "OK., I'm a high-end call girl." "No, that is still too >crude. Try again." > >They both think for a minute, then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken >farmer." > >The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a >whore call girl?' > >"Well, I raised over a thousand little peckers last year." "Good enough."

Aman escapes from Prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and some guns, and he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to the chair, while tieing the girl to her bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. Whilst he's there, the husband tells his wife; "Listen, the guys a escaped convict, look at his clothes ! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nayseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he might kill us. Be strong honey, I love you". To which his wofe responds, "he wasn't kissing my neck. He was whicpering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey, I love you too !". (w00t)

As a trucker in Essex stops for a red light, a blonde in her car pulls up alongside. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Sharon and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl again catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Sharon, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Sharon and you are losing some of your load!" When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says: "Hi, my name is Kevin and I'm driving a f*cking gritter!"

A bloke stops by to visit his mate who has a broken leg. His friend says, "My feet are cold mate. Can you go and get me my slippers from upstairs please." The guy goes upstairs, and there are his mate's gorgeous twin 18 year old daughters. "Hi girls. Your dad sent me up here to shag you." The first daughter says, "That's not true." He says, "I'll prove it." He yells down the stairs, "Both of them?" His mate yells back, "Of course, both of them."

>A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and >informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs. >The son is just a head! > >But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with >love and compassion. > >After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. > >Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him >and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. > >With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender >Shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of >alcohol. > > >Swoooop! A torso pops out! > > >The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy!! > > >The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. > > >The patrons chant "Take another drink"! > > >The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. > > >Swoooop! Two arms pops out! > > >The bar goes wild!!! > > >The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. > > >The patrons chant "Take another drink"! > > >The bartender ignores the whole affair. > > >By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches >down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. > > >Swoooop! Two legs pop out. > > >The bar is in chaos!!!!!!! > > >The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. > > >The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left....then >to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, >where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. > >The bar falls silent....... > > >The father moans in grief. > > >The bartender sighs and says... > > > > > > > >(wait for it!!) > > > > > > > >(Are you ready?) > > > > > > > >(don't hate me) > > > > > > > > > >"He should have quit while he was a head!"

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn - I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten." A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse). Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply. Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again." Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner." Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed"... > > > > >Keep scrolling > > > > > > >Wait for it..... > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >Wait for it....... > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >"I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again, Christian".

An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon. Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'. 'Fu**ing get in there you c*nt!' he says to himself and goes to the bar. 'Get the fu**ing manager of this pigs s*it middle class w*nk hole please you c*nt', he says to a somewhat startled barman. The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you sir?' he says 'Yes you can you fat piece of s*it, I saw your poxy advert in the c*nting window and I'm here to audition.....w*nker.' The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries, 'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?' 'That song, you big nosed tw*t, was called "Excuse me prime minister but I just j*zzed in your daughter's eye, and now the c*nts blind...' 'Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another. Something a little less "lively".' 'W*nker..' interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his salty teardrops asks him the title. 'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the sh*t box you get cr*p on your bell end.' 'I see' says the manager, 'Have you got any songs with less offensive titles?' 'Well there's my jazz number "Do you want me to split your r*ngpiece", or there's the epic "I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still got nice jugs". 'Look' says the manager interrupting, 'I think you're a superb pianist but the title of your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.' 'F*ck it' says the pianist 'Why not'. On his first night everything is going superbly the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is being received as modesty. The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage. During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out. Just as he has shot his muck he hears himself being re-introduced over the tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act. After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him.'Hi' she says. 'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives. She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your c*ck is hanging out of your trousers, and sp*nk is dribbling onto your shoes?' 'Know it?' says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently, 'I f*cking wrote it !!!'

There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl says "Mommy what are they doing?" The mother hesitates then quickly replies "Ummm..... they are making cakes." The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother "What are they doing?" And her mother replies with the same response, "They are making cakes." The next day the girl says to her mother "Mommy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the living room last night, eh?" Shocked, the Mother says, "How do you know?" (Wait for it.............) She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. * * * * * * * * * * Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. * * * * * * * * * * At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. * * * * * * * * * * That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" * * * * * * * * * * The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. * * * * * * * * * * A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. * * * * * * * * * * 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. * * * * * * * * * * Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." * * * * * * * * * * The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist." * * * * * * * * * *

Will Young, Robbie and Kylie went for a night on the town. As they left the nightclub, Kylie slipped and got her head stuck between the railings of the fence opposite the club. Robbie decided to take full advantage of this and lifted up her little skirt, pushed her thong to one side and gave her a good seeing to. "Its your turn now, Will" grinned Robbie but Will started crying. Robbie asked "Why are you crying, Will? What's wrong? "Will sobbed "My head won't fit between the railings!"