Having a mentally & physically disabled child?

[Louise]

given the choices we have now in antinatal care we can tell while in the early stages of pregnancy whether the baby has or not any physical/mental problems.

 

As iv been through these tests myself iv often thought about what i would do if it ever showed up that a baby i was carrying had Down Syndrome and Hydrocephalies (sp?), Spina Bifida or something along those lines that would be a life long severe illness with no cure

 

i really dont think i could cope, i only just cope with my kids now, and to know i would be responcerble to this child (even when they are 30-40 years old), it drains me just thinking about it.

 

is it also fair on a mental & physically ill child to be bought into the world? i beleive everyone has the right to life, but i also beleive on quality of life (so i cant really answer that myself )

 

your thoughts please

 

no bullshit replies please, i want to keep this serious......thanks

Edited February 23, 2004 by Louise

[Lisa]

This is a tough one Lou!! I guess I could sit here & say, nope I couldnt cope etc, but until im in the postion, I can not honestly say!!

 

I would like to think that I would be strong enough, to cope & carry on, but then you have to look at it from the childs perceptive also!! Would it be fair to raise a child with such disabilities??

[Louise]

tis a tricky one.

 

i think id look at the support network around me (which is good) but its not gonna last forever, what happens when the the childs parents are to old to cope....would you feel guilty about putting the child/adult into care or would you rather wear yourself out by careing for the child till the day you die.

 

a lot of resentment could come into it aswell, you expect when a child gets married, leaves home etc that, thats when your life can re-start again.....but knowing this might never happen (apart from the rest-bite (sp?) care) could cause a lot of frustration.

[Maria]

hmmnn tuff one this is.

 

Something I don't really ewant to think about !

 

I can honestly say right now that no, I wouldn't give my child up. I have worked with children up to age of 16years old who have dissabilities that prevent them from doing 'normal' things and preventing them from acting like a 'normal' human being.

 

But, when I worked with these kind of individuals, it made me happy, because they ARE normal human beings, it's just that they have a disability therefore, they are treated differently.

 

It was a massive eye opener to me when I worked with these kids, and they are all special in their own unique way and you love them like you would love your own, only, obviously they would take more of your time because they would need to be cared for and the time you give them would be a 10fold of the time you give a child without a disibilty.

 

Lisa said "Would it be fair to raise a child with such disabilities?? "

 

Good point - but then, going back to when I worked with children who had dissabilities, you can see that some are happy and they love interacting with "life", what's around them, other people, fishes, water etc these are some of the things that make a disabled child really happy, but would only bore us 'normal' people.

 

I have all the time in the world for my nephew and my niece because they were up against a very SLIM chance of being brought into this world (IVF) and ever since, they have been more special to me than anyone else in this world. I would give them my every last breath of air. But I still treat them the same.

 

When I was a kid I would always look at a disabled child and think "why are they the way they are ?" and my mother would always poke me and say "stop starring".

 

When you spend alot of time with a disabled child or a child with learning disabilities, your opinions / morals / outlook on these kind of people change. Well, they did for me anyway.

 

I will always remember when I was placed on work experience at RainBow Play Group, where young children (aged 1-6) would be placed whilst their parents went out to work for the day, and there was this one child who I will always remember, he was 3 years old and was VERY aggressive. Always beat up the other kids, always threw his lunch on the floor, always screaming and crying when he got shouted at for doing something wrong, in my eyes the child was never told what was right and what was wrong by the day carers, but only shouted at and put in the corner. Which I think is very WRONG. He had a learning dissability and was prone to being aggressive.

 

I treated him like a normal child and never EVER shouted at him but told him what was right and what was wrong. We used to sit next to eachother at the table at lunch time whilst he sat and ate his food like a good child (not like his usual aggressive self) and play little games that made him that little bit happier. Me and that child got on so well up untill the day my work experience was over and I almost cried because of how i kind of changed that child and taought him a few things rather than shout at him constantly, and even had the teachers buy me chocolates on my leave because they seen the difference.

 

You need to bond with a child to get a response no matter what their condition is. Every since that particular day, I have always looked at children with 'faults' in a different light, thus me always having time to share with them, and I would give myself and a dissabled child of my own (if I ever had a disabled child) a chance.

 

Edited February 22, 2004 by Maria

[Lisa]

I know what you are saying Maria & this is great, you feel this way, I too can sit here & say yes I would & im a mother, but TBH, as a mother of a*normal* child it is extremely hard & stressful, but the thought of coping with a disabled child, well, like I say until faced with it, I can not honestly say, it is easy to spend time with someone else's child etc, but this is it, they are someone elses & can be given back, but to be responsible for your own 24/7, is another story hon!! IMO!!

[Maria]

Agreed 100% (as always !) with you Lisa.

 

As you say you would need to be in the position to decide. I feel strongly about keeping it right now, but yeh, you have to be in the position to be able to decide as that is when you will be faced with the priorities that lay ahead of you !

 

[Lisa]

Totally, I myself will sit here now & say, yes, no way would I abort it etc, but I know that if it did ever happen, my mind would race with all the possibilities & factors concerned, not just for me, but for the unborn child etc, it truely is a hard choice & sympathise any couple that have to endure this!!

 

Also which ever descion is reached, I applaud & pat them on the back, as it would have been a horrendous, knightmare of a journey!!

[Tidy Tart]

bloody hell that is a hard 1!!!

 

personally i think that it would be so mentally and physicaly challanging i personally wouldnt be strong enough to cope!!

 

i understand that there is help and support for parents with disabled children but hell its gotta be hard!

 

my friend when i was at college had a 16 year old daughter who was disabled and she found it so hard to lead a normal life!

 

i have so much respect (if thats the right word) for parents with disabled children!

 

1 of my dreams would be to work with children with disabiltys!

[Lisa]

QUOTE (tidytart @ Feb 22 2004, 13:35)

1 of my dreams would be to work with children with disabiltys!

Do it then, make the dream real & help them, the world needs more dedicated carers hon & it's not a hard job/role to get into!!

[Tidy Tart]

ive got a GNVQ in health and social care level2

 

passed with flyin colours!

 

at this time in my life tho i dont think i could mentally cope with the pressures of the job!

 

im gonna start doin some volunteer work at a local city farm called new ark for children with problems.

[Lisa]

you have cracked me up Steph!! WTF!! At this time of life!! Christ, you have made me cross, sorry, but you are young & have a whole life ahead of you, but you need to have a word with your attitude!!!

 

Christ im 34 & im going back to college to do as many courses as possible, ready for when I can go out to work again fulltime & not be home for my kids!! sorry!!

[Lisa]

just read my reply back & Steph, can you tell me more what you mean as in at this time in my life?? Did you mean it cos of your social life etc or what?? Im unsure as to how you ment it hon??

[Louise]

mmmmmm, i was gonna ask what excuse you have not to?

 

you have no responserbilities to worry about

 

 

anyway back on subject.................

 

careing for kids with disabilities and having your own 24/7 in my oppinion is different, at least come 4pm you can go home and unwind till 9am the next morning......with your own you are on call 24 hours a day, giving medication, bathing, dressing, feeding etc, and you only deal with them till a certain age........if you were looking after your own child, that child becomes an adult and you will need even more help (lifting etc) you do it till the day you die or put them into care.

 

and another thing....you always have more patience with other peoples children

 

its hard enough with my 2 kids, especially if grace is in hospital, trying to split the time and love between 2 kids when 1 needs more than the other is not a nice feeling

Edited February 22, 2004 by Louise

[Dawn]

It's got to be such a heart rendering decission to make, all things are going to be effected by what ever decission you come to, if you can have that information before birth.

 

I'd like to think I would beable to raise a child no matter what disabilities they have but no one can know 100% until they are in that situation.

 

I have 2 friend who both have disabled children.

 

One was told early on in pregnancy that she was expecting a child with downes syndrome, she choose to go ahead with the pregnancy.

Her little girl attends main stream schooling and is such an intellingent child.

 

My other friend knew nothing about her daughters disabilities until she was born, she has angelmans syndrome, sometimes it's called the happy syndrome because they can't shed tears, she can't show any emotions, she can't talk or walk unaided, she doesn't have hand to mouth co-ordination, she's a teenager now and is a little madam in her own right, but boy does she love cuddles and kisses.

 

It's a very hard life for her mother, yes she gets some restbite about once every 6 weeks she has a weekend away with a care family, but for the rest of the time it's 24/7 hands on care.

 

Obviously we see how hard and very emotional it is for her mother but we can never fully understand the half of it, there are so many issues that some wouldn't even dream about, alot in my opinion are Political Correctness gone mad.

 

 

 

[mistress_hoover]

it is such a hard thing to even think about. The way my mum has brought me up is not to treat people with disabilitys different to anyone else... When i was a kid i was in a drama group that went round old folks home and kids homes and we used to do shows for them, i also used to help my dad on his butcher van which delivered to the elderly (back home i stay round areas that are quite old) and i realise now why my mum always wanted me to do this as i now treat people with diablity with respect and not any different to what i would with you lot.

 

Unfortunatley my cousins child is disabled, hes in a wheel chair and is just learning to talk now (hes 6) and its heartbreaking seeing him, hes such a beautifull little boy and so intelligent...theve made the decision to put him into a *normal* (i hate using that word) school and its amazing how much his talking, and social skills have improved...hes so intelligent.

 

Also my mum is registered disabled as she has really bad rheumatiod athritus (sp) and she HATES people fussing over her...honestly, ive seen her argue with a bus driver before for helping her... And again its made me change my views on having a child with disability. I know in my heart that i would want the best for my children.

 

There is so many different things that could go wrong and i wouldnt know until im faced with that (which i pray that im not) but if i am its obiviously meant to be..i would care for a *normal* child the same as i would with disabiltys.

 

Im so glad i have that respect for the disabled and elderly as thats one of my pet hates is seeing people take the piss out of people...its so rude and immature.. i couldnt cope with the thought of someone doing that to my cousins child.

 

ive went off on one again eh..what im trying to say is that i think i would (but you can never tell until you are faced with it).