Dearest Alcohol

[Miss Minx]

Dear Alcohol,

>>

>>First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my

>>friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work

>>cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holidays,

>>hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of

>>endless

>>family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your

>>intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at

>>heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

>>

>>1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I

>>question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity

>>takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those

>>ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear

>>from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

>>

>>2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I

>>eat a kebab, a butter chicken curry along with a sausage with cheese,

>>onion

>>and mustard (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few

>>sweet chilli and sour cream red rock chips)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I

>>think you went too far this time.

>>

>>3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do

>>more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by

>>causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue

>>marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me.

>>Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front

>>door key into the lock.

>>

>>4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting

>>ridiculous.

>>I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in

>>order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My

>>entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken

>>(water,

>>vitamin B, bread products, aspirin)prior to going to sleep/passing out

>>face down on

>>the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal &

>>in no way interfere with my daily activities.

>>

>>Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to

>>ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great

>>stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when

>>I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.

>>

>>In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my

>>grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no

>>later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions &

>>hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

>>

>>Thank you,

>>

>>Your biggest fan

>>

>>P.S.

>>THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

>>1. Innovative

>>2. Preliminary

>>3. Proliferation

>>4. Cinnamon

>>

>>THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

>>1. Specificity

>>2. British Constitution

>>3. Passive-aggressive disorder

>>

>>THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

>>1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.

>>2. Nope, no more beer for me.

>>3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

>>4. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?

>>5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

[fifedjdomo]

:lol: :pmsl:

[dannyoldham]

sounds like me n my best friend

[Clubbing Si]

Haha