It's a man's world

[Dawn]

1, OPENING JARS - nnnnngg, she’s struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn’t. Jars are men’s work.

 

 

 

2, CALLING SOMEONE ‘SON’ - Especially policeman

but even saying it to kids makes you the man.

 

 

 

3, DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks? Gay. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.

 

 

 

4, SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE -

Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don’t need a sharpener, you think I can’t whittle.

 

 

 

5, GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and – as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.

 

 

 

6, DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, “Let’s go” and striding

out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. God, you’re hard.

 

 

 

7, HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

 

 

 

8, HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it’ll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. “Ooh, did it hurt”.

”Nah”.

 

 

 

9, HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. “Big night?” Grr, what does it look like.

 

 

 

10, NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. “We’ve not seen eye to eye in the past”, it says, ”but someone’s got to keep the little scrotes in line”.

 

 

 

11, USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.

 

 

 

12, KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR -

Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stitch that, Becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.

 

 

 

13, ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It doesn’t mean you’re popular, it just means your mates are p***ed. However, the rest of the pub doesn’t know that.

 

 

 

14, NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.

 

 

 

15, CARVING THE ROAST - and saying “are you a leg or breast man” to the blokes and “do you want stuffing” to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.

 

 

 

16, WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn’t it?

 

 

17, TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we’ll make do with the aisles.

 

 

 

18, TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

 

 

 

19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike birds, we get straight to the point. “alright? Yep. Drink? Red Lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya.”

 

 

 

20, PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the world’s best driver.

 

 

 

21, HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it’s over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.

 

 

 

22, HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if you didn’t make a fuss. “Why was I off, nothing much, just third-degree burns”

 

 

 

23, KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - “a Phillips? For that? Are you mad, bint?”

 

 

 

24, TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual code that says that’s right, i’m going in there for a huge, long man-sized sh*t.

[Guest NeoN]

TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual code that says that’s right, i’m going in there for a huge, long man-sized sh*t.

 

[Louise]

hahaha, im gonna have to forward this on to my dad

[Ginge]

The only person I call SON is my son...and I dont do ANY of the football ones.

 

Apart from that, its all basiclly second nature....oh apart from the paint stirring bit of wood in the shed..I dont have a shed.

[fifedjdomo]

in the garage ginge? cupboard under the stairs?? the place u keep ur toolbox?

 

 

hahah everything on that damn list is horribly true !!

only thing that probably doesnt ring true to me in my life is the beer stuff cos i dont drink, but i could say the same thing about a nice drink of irn bru, so there we go. the whole list is damn true!

[Ginge]

in the garage? cupboard under the stairs? the place u keep ur toolbox?

 

No, no and no.

 

I live in a 2 bed flat, therefore dont have a garage

I live in a 2 bed flat and dont have a cupboard under the stairs (I've got a rather noisy bookies right under me though)

I dont have a tool BOX, I've got lots of little packets of tools, all seperate for ease of use.

 

Sorry to be a party pooper, pooper scooper, or whatever. I use an old screwdriver when I stir paint, then wipe off the excess, the screwdriver...so MANY functions.

 

[Miss Minx]

22, HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if you didn’t make a fuss. “Why was I off, nothing much, just third-degree burns”

 

So why do you have to make a HUGE fuss when its a little sniffle???????

 

 

and WHY do you have to have tools i mean why theres just no need for em!! i dont get the mans need for a tool box

[Bukey]

i dont get the mans need for a tool box

 

Yes, but you don't play cricket...

[Miss Minx]

haha

[Chris Hutchinson]

So why do you have to make a HUGE fuss when its a little sniffle???????

 

Ya'see, I never understood that one... women whinge far more when they are ill (well, in the case of students anyway!)

[Miss Minx]

No women just get on with it tbh as we know that whingings not going to make it better. Men on the other hand have to be banged up in bed with a water bottle and some tablets for so much as a sneeze ;o)

[Ginge]

If a woman gets a slight snifflt she'll sit there and start going on and on, saying things like "I'M NOT WEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL" and "You wouldnt like it if you had it"

 

The only reason that women say men moan more is because they think that men shouldnt moan about anything, and when we do get in real pain they subconciously think we a re being wimps and putting it on.

 

Ladies...look at the fuss you make over breaking a fookin nail??? THEY GROW BACK...whats the point of having them that long for anyway...apart from picking your nose???

[Miss Minx]

Yeah but i only whinge about breaking a nail when i have my acrylics on and thats cos it costs me £8 to have it fixed!!

 

I quite like it when boyfriends are ill i actually enjoy looking after em my sweet caring side comes out that i dont show very often and i end up making tea n nice food n pampering

[Chris Hutchinson]

No women just get on with it tbh as we know that whingings not going to make it better. Men on the other hand have to be banged up in bed with a water bottle and some tablets for so much as a sneeze ;o)

185982[/snapback]

 

You havent met many students then I guess

 

Girls in my lectures, when ill, sit there and look as pathetic as they possibly can and even put on that shit 'ill' voice (where you speak really softly as though your struggling to breathe)

[Guest]

and WHY do you have to have tools i mean why theres just no need for em!!  i dont get the mans need for a tool box

185945[/snapback]

 

erm u havnt lived alone yet

trust me u need tools to put furniture together, open backs of say toys to change batterys, to tighten lose screws, put a nail in the wall so u can hang something, take handles off the door so u can paint, ect, ect, ect

 

every house needs some sort of tool kit and i actually have a tool shelf with screw drivers, sockets, spanners, alan keys (all different sizes), pliers, clippers, hammer, ect