CTW DJs Carl Nicholson Posted June 6, 2003 CTW DJs Share Posted June 6, 2003 If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug >of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost >instantly removed. > >Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone >else to hold them while you chop away. > >Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at >people as they walk up the aisle. > >Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following >morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble >full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall. > >Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by >filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then >urinating into it, before jumping in. > >X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking >two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the >following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'. > >Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. simply stand closer to the >object you wish to view. > >Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the >fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner. > >Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction >of oncoming traffic. > >Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard. > >Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating >cakes again. > >A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat >hanger in an emergency. > >Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, >imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your >intended destination in the first place. > >Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by >running a bit slower. - B. Johnson, Canada > >Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag >from the butt of your last one. > >Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or >veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute >etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know any difference. > >Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be >made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, >and ask for a nice steak. > >Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle >the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the >washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that >it has gone. > >High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, >thus reducing the pressure in your veins. > >Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your >cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to >insulate your loft. > >Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen, >sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red lights and >driving the wrong way up one way streets. > >Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin >in a bowl of iron fillings. > >A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective substitute for costly >maps when visiting the Sahara desert. > >Convince neighbours that you have invented a 'SHRINKING' device by >ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coats and parking a JCB >digger outside your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker the lights >in your house during the night and replace the JCB unseen, with a Tonka >toy of the same description. Watch their faces in the morning! > >Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car >before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgem cars >anyway, so it may as well look like one. > >A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from >rolling over and going back to sleep. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CTW DJs Tony P Posted June 6, 2003 CTW DJs Share Posted June 6, 2003 Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction >of oncoming traffic. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CTW Members Rick D Posted June 6, 2003 CTW Members Share Posted June 6, 2003 Carl_Nicholson said: >Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at >people as they walk up the aisle. I already do... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CTW Members Spunkmonkey Posted June 6, 2003 CTW Members Share Posted June 6, 2003 Taken straight from Geetrish.com, but good all the same.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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