Dear Alcohol,

[Clubbing Si]

Dear Alcohol,

 

>

 

>Lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe

 

>that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led

 

>to some unwise consequences, briefed below for your review.

 

>

 

>1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I

 

>question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity

 

>takes place after 2 am. Why would you make me call those

 

>ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear

 

>from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

 

>

 

>2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal and, though cooking is far from

 

>my specialty, why you suggested that I eat a kebab with chilli sauce, along

 

>with a big slice of cheese-filled-crust pizza and some stale chips (washed

 

>down with chocolate Quik and topped off with a Kit Kat all after a few

 

>Cheezels and fries) is beyond me. Eclectic eater I am, but I think you went

 

>too far this time.

 

>

 

>3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more

 

>yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by

 

>causing me to fall down, it's completely unnecessary. The black and blue

 

>marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day is beyond me.

 

>Similarly, it should never take me more than 1 min to get the front door key

 

>into the lock.

 

>

 

>4. Photos: This can be a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify the

 

>last point below but what is it with you making me take pictures with people

 

>I clearly don't like when I'm sober, yet they suddenly become my best

 

>friends when a flash is presented?

 

>

 

>5. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I most likely

 

>do not. Please do not request that I go over and see if in fact, I do

 

>actually know that person. The phrase 'let's F***' is illegal from now on.

 

>While I may be thinking this, please reinstate the brain-to-mouth-block that

 

>would stop this thought from becoming a statement, especially in public.

 

>Please stop me from talking to the guy/girl with the crooked teeth, acned-up

 

>face, bad breath, beer belly, etc. Why are they so appealing to me while I'm

 

>with you and why are they so disgusting to me the next morning after you

 

>have worn off??

 

>

 

>6. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous

 

>now. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in

 

>order, but the 3 pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My

 

>entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water,

 

>vitamin B, bread products, vegemite, diet coke, aspirin) prior to going to

 

>bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the

 

>hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily Saturday or

 

>Sunday (or any day for that matter) activities. C'mon now, it's only fair -

 

>you do your part, I'll do mine.