CTW Members Diablo Posted June 12, 2003 CTW Members Share Posted June 12, 2003 Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music." Three men, one American, one Japani and Banda Singh were sitting naked in the sauna.Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager," he said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm." A few minutes later a phone rang.The Japani lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."Banda, felt decidedly low-tech but not to be outdone, decided he had to do something just as impressive. He steped out of the sauna and went to toilet. He returns with a piece of 'Toilet paper' hanging from his ass. The others raised their eyebrows and said, "Wow! What's that?" "I'm getting a Fax," he explains. Ain't this the truth!.... All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge. "I should be in charge, "said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen." "I should be in charge" said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over, so without me you'd all waste away." "I should be in charge, " said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy." "I should be in charge" said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go." "I should be in charge" said the eyes, "because allow the body to see where it goes." "I should be in charge, "said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal." All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss. The Moral of the story? The [censored] is usually in charge. > Male comebacks to female comebacks to male pick up lines - Man - Haven't I seen you someplace before? Woman - Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore. Man - Really? I heard it was because everyone there calls you a fat slut. Man - Is this seat empty? Woman - Yes, and this one will be if you sit down. Man - There's no need to get on your knees and suck on my cock just yet, we've only just met!!! Man - Your place or mine? Woman - Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine. Man - That's cool, cause after I'm done shagging you in the back of my car, I don't give a [censored] where you go. Man - So, what do you do for a living? Woman - I'm a female impersonator. Man - That explains the moustache then! Man - How do you like your eggs in the morning? Woman - Unfertilised. Man - No problem, I'll just shoot my load up your arse. Man - I would go to the end of the world for you. Woman - But would you stay there? Man - Probably, cause you seem like the kind of chick that is impossible to shake off once you've been shagged.and this is the best........... Man - You're pretty Woman - Piss off. Man - Don't interrupt, you're pretty ugly, you fat bitch THE FACTS ACCORDING TO ALI G - Ali G's View on a Women's Period Booyakasha! Check dis !!!> > > > Not many people know dis but an important difference between > > men and Women iz sumfin called "da mental cycle" or as the > > doctors call it, "havin' de painters in". > > > But no matter wot name u gives it, it still causes terrible > > pain and sufferin and it aint pleasant for women eiver. > > SO HOW OFTEN DOES IT OCCUR? > > Well, ladies get da "red wedge" once every 3 weeks, tho > > sometimes more often. Me Julie for hexample tells me she has > > got it at least a couple of times a week. WHY DO THEY HAPPEN?> > > > Medikly, wot 'appens iz hactually very simple. Der iz a clock > > dat ticks in her muff, when it gets to "her time" da egg dat > > she has been fryin in her aviary drops out of her punani. > > CAN YOU HAVE INTERCOURSE DURIN' MENSTURATION?> > > > 1. People fink dat you can't have sex when your lady has > > "Arsenal playin' at hom". Dis is not true - you can, but just > > not wiv her. > > 2. In fact, u can turn de situation to ya advantage and to show > > how considerate and luvin' you iz, suggest to her dat u do it > > up her batty.> >> > Ear me now..i is not kiddin!> > >A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies >of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed >his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand >several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the >sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. >He opens it and out pops a genie.... >But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing a Senior Manager ID badge and >dull grey suit. "Well" says the genie. "You know how it works. You have >three wishes." >"I'm not falling for this." says the man. "I'm not going to trust a Senior >Manager." "What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it >looks like you're a goner anyway!" >The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. >"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink." >***POOF*** The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever >seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies. >"OK, kid, what's your second wish." >"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams." >***POOF*** The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with >rare gold coins and precious gems. "OK, kid, you have just one more wish. >Better make it a good one!" >After thinking for a few minutes, the man says: "I wish that no matter where >I go beautiful women will want and need me." >***POOF***He is turned into a tampon.>The moral of the story? >If a Senior Manager offers you anything, there's going to be a string >attached. ----------------------> If you ERASE this e-mail it means you LOVE me. If you KEEP it, it means you WANT me. If you IGNORE it, it means you ADORE me and if you REPLY it means you want to [censored] me. So...what are you gonna do? Amazing Facts If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one Cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.) **************************************************************** If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!) **************************************************************** The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!) **************************************************************** A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.) **************************************************************** A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.) **************************************************************** Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.(Do not try this at home......maybe at work.) **************************************************************** The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!") **************************************************************** The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes...can you imagine??) **************************************************************** The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?) **************************************************************** Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity.) **************************************************************** Butterflies taste with their feet. Something I always wanted to know.) **************************************************************** The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm........) **************************************************************** Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?) **************************************************************** Elephants are the only animal that cannot jump. (OK, so that would be a good thing....) **************************************************************** A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?) ***************************************************************** An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.) **************************************************************** Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too.) ******************************************************************** Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.) **************************************************************** Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig??) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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