CTW Members Ginge Posted June 18, 2003 CTW Members Share Posted June 18, 2003 Two women are knitting when one turns to the other and says " i hope mines a boy cos i've only got blue wool" the other woman replies "i hope mines a spastic cos i've [censored] the arms!" ---------------------------------------------------------- Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a ciggy, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, Put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. Lady 1: What's that? Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Lady 1: Where did you get it? Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore. The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers. Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel. The pharmacist fainted. ---------------------------------------------------------- The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache." "Perfect," her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my dick with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository, it's up to you!" ----------------------------------------------------------- A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he'd been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress. The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the canapes the young man realized he couldn't hold it in one second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped. "SPOT!" called out the young woman's mother to the family dog, lying at the young man's feet. Relieved at the dog's having been blamed, the young man let another, slightly larger one go. "Spot!" she called out sharply. "I've got it made," thought the fellow to himself. One more and I'll feel fine. So he let loose a really big one. "Spot!" shrieked the mother. "Get over here before he shits on you!" ------------------------------------------------------------ A koala bear and a hooker go back to her place and get undressed. The koala bear goes down on the hooker for 3 hours straight. She has has multiple orgasms!!! After 3 hours he stops, comes all over her tummy, gets up and puts on his little koala clothes. The woman is hanging back huffing and puffing from exhustion. "Oh God, that was great! Now I need my money." The koala bear just looks at her and shrugs. The hooker says, "No, I need my money. I am a hooker and this is how I make a living." The Koala bear just looks at her and continues to put on his clothes. Then the hooker gets up and runs to the bookshelf, grabs a dictionary and thumbs through it to "Hooker". She hands it to the koala bear and it reads:- "HOOKER: person who has sex for money." Then the koala bear turns the page to "Koala bear" and walks out the door. The hooker reads:- "KOALA BEAR: Eats Bush, shoots, and leaves." ----------------------------------------------------------- All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge. "I should be in charge, "said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen "I should be in charge" said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over, so without me you'd all waste away." "I should be in charge, " said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."I should be in charge" said the legs,"because I carry the body wherever it needs to go." "I should be in charge" said the eyes,"because I allow the body to see where it goes." "I should be in charge, "said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal." All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss. The Moral of the story? The ass hole is usually in charge. ---------------------------------------------------------- Pierre, a French fighter pilot, took his girlfriend, Marie out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine. It's a beautiful day and love was in the air so Marie leaned over to Pierre and said, "Pierre, kiss me!" So our hero grabbed a bottle of red wine and splashed it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" shrieked Marie. "Well, my name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I have red meat I like to have red wine!" His answer was good enough for Marie and things began to heat up. So she said, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero ripped off her blouse, grabbed a bottle of white wine and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre, what are you doing?!" "My name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I have white meat I like to have white wine!" They resumed their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leaned over once more and softly whispered into Pierre's ear, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Pierre tore off her underwear, grabbed a bottle of Cognac and sprinkled it all over her groin. He took a match and lit it on fire. Patting the flames out furiously, Marie screamed, "PIERRE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" "My name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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