Essex Bird Jokes!

[Evilhedfuk]

You've probably heard them all b4, but what the hell!

 

(sorry to all Essex Birds i'm sure you're not like this really!)

 

What's the difference between Essex Girl and Essex Man?

Essex Girls have higher sperm counts.

 

What's the difference between an Essex Girl and Sooty?

You can only get one hand up Sooty.

 

What's the difference between an Essex Girl and Lionel Ritchie?

Lionel Ritchie doesn't bleach his moustache.

 

What's the difference between an Essex Girl and a refrigerator?

A refrigerator doesn't fart when you take your meat out of it.

 

What's the difference between an Essex Girl and a walrus?

One's got a moustache and smells of fish, the other is a walrus.

 

What's the difference between an Essex Girl and a KitKat?

You can only get four fingers in a KitKat.

 

What's the difference between an Essex Girl and a 20 watt lightbulb?

The lightbulb is brighter.

 

What's the difference between an Essex Girl and a condom?

You only use a condom once.

 

What's the difference between getting piles and breaking off an engagement with an Essex Girl?

When the piles clear up you get your ring back.

 

What's the difference between an Essex Girl's fanny and a tube of glue?

You might consider sniffing a tube of glue.

 

What's the difference between an Essex Girl and a fish and chip shop?

You can't get crabs in a fish and chip shop.

 

What's the difference between an Essex Girl and a plate of spaghetti?

A plate of spaghetti moves when you eat it.

 

What's the similarity between an Essex Girl and a Scooter?

You wouldn't want your friends to see you riding one.

 

What's the difference between an Essex Girl and a supermarket trolley?

A supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.

 

What's the difference between an Essex Girl and a washing machine?

You can dump your load in a washing machine and it won't follow you around for a week.

 

What's the similarity between an Essex Girl and a washing machine?

They both drip when they're [censored].

 

What's the difference between an Essex Girl and Moby Dick?

An Essex Girl has swallowed more semen and has seen bigger dicks.

 

What's the difference between an Essex Girl and The Titanic?

Fewer people went down on the Titanic.

 

What's the difference between an Essex Girl and a hamster?

Freddie Starr wouldn't eat an Essex Girl.

 

What's the similarity between an Essex Girl and a carpenter?

They both have a box of saws.

 

What's the difference between an Essex Girl and a carpenter?

An Essex Girl has longer nails.

 

What's the difference between an Essex Girl and a Surrey Girl?

After a gang bang the Surrey Girl writes thank you letters.

 

What's the difference between an Essex Girl and a German Shepherd dog?

Lip gloss.

 

What's the difference between an Essex Girl and a Chinese meal?

You'd eat another Chinese meal.

 

What's the difference between an Essex Girl and Channel five?

Only 40% of the UK can pick up Channel 5.

 

What's the difference between an Essex Girl and the nodding dog toy on the back shelf of a car?

The dog doesn't nod its head as much.

 

What's the difference between Crufts and a Romford nightclub?

There are fewer dogs at Crufts.

 

What's the difference between an Essex Girl and a Club 18-30 holiday?

On the Club 18-30 holiday there's only a 98% chance of sex.

 

What's the difference between an Essex Girl and Arsenal FC?

Essex girls score more than once a night.

 

What's the difference between an Essex Girl's boobs and a week old bunch of flowers?

No difference, they both droop drastically and smell rotten.

 

What does an Essex Girl do with her arsehole after sex?

Ask him to drive her home.

 

What does the Essex Girl use for protection during sex?

A bus shelter.

 

How do you know when an Essex Girl has had an orgasm?

She drops her kebab.

 

What do you give an Essex Girl before you start going out with her?

A full medical.

 

How does an Essex Girl like to make love?

In the mercenary position.

 

What's an Essex Girl's favourite wine?

"I wanna 'nuvver Malibu!"

 

What is an Essex Girl's idea of real class?

An onyx dildo.

 

Did you hear about the Essex Girl who thought Little Red Riding Hood was a novelty condom?

 

What's an Essex Girl's favourite drink?

Seven-Up

 

What do you call an Essex Girl with two 'O' Levels?

A liar.

 

Why don't Essex Girls vote?

They can't spell X.

 

What does an Essex Girl say during foreplay?

'Aven't you finished yet?"

 

Wayne went straight down on his girlfriend one night. She gave him a slap. " Where's yer manners," she exclaimed. "Tits first!"

 

Why do Essex Girls have periods?

To give the Middlesex girls a chance.

 

Then there was the Essex Girl who thought the Gulf Conflict was the new Volk swagen convertible.

 

What is the collective noun for Essex Girls?

An ejaculation of Essex Girls.

 

What do you call a group of Essex Girls?

A sperm bank.

 

What happened to the Essex Girl who bought a vibrator?

She knocked all her teeth out.

 

What does an Essex Girl say just before sex?

"Hello."

 

What's the best chat-up line to use on an Essex Girl?

"Hello."

 

Then there was the Essex Girl who thought Harvey's Bristol Cream was a massage lotion.

 

How do you offend an Essex Girl?

Don't know.

 

What's an Essex Girl's mating cry?

"I'm soooooo drunk"

 

Why do Essex Girls smoke?

To make their breath smell better.

 

Essex boy goes down on his Essex Girl.

"What a big pussy. What a big pussy."

"There's no need to say it twice Wayne."

"I didn't, that was an echo."

 

Two Essex Girls talking. "What do you reckon to Harry Connick Junior?"

"I don't know nuffink about primary schools."

 

Why do Essex Girls get married?

So they can appear in Reader's Wives.

 

Why doesn't an Essex Girl say very much on a first date?

She doesn't like to talk with her mouth full.

 

What's an Essex Girl's favourite book?

Don't be stupid.

 

How does an Essex Girl get rid of unwanted pubic hair?

She spits it out.

 

Why do Essex Girls dye their hair blonde?

To look more intelligent.

 

Why do Essex Girls wear blouses with shoulder pads?

So that their men have somewhere comfortable to rest their knees.

 

What do you get if you cross an Essex Girl with a computer?

A system that will always go down on you.

 

Why does an Essex Girl have to shave her armpits?

To prevent herself from sticking to the fastenings on shellsuits.

 

Why do Essex Girls wear earrings?

They want to look like their fathers.

 

What is an Essex Girl's favourite nursery rhyme?

"Humpme Dumpme"

 

How do you know when an Essex Girl is having her period?

By the flies on her stilettos.

 

Essex girls have more fun because they're easier to keep amused.

 

First Essex Girl: "Here Vicki, have you ever been pulled in by the fuzz?"

Second Essex Girl: "No, but I've been swung 'round by the tits.."

 

What do you say to an Essex Girl who is too young to have sex?

"Coochy-coochy coo!"

 

Then there was the Essex Girl that thought an innuendo was an Italian suppository.

 

What's an Essex Girl's idea of safe sex?

A locked car door.

 

Doctor to Essex Girl: "Are you sexually active?" Essex Girl:

"Nah, I jus' li e still."

 

The pub two Essex Girls had been running wasn't making a profit.

"Lets pack it in and run a brothel Leanne," said one.

"Don't be stupid Suzanne," the other said. "How're we going to sell broth if we can't sell lager?"

 

And finally... there was the pregnant Essex Girl who thought she was going to have puppies because she'd conceived in the doggie position