R U a bizzie?

[Tomo]

Are you a COPPER?

 

“If you want to know the time ask a policeman”, so the saying goes. But if someone asked YOU the time, would you know if you were a policeman or not? With many of today’s cops wearing plain clothes like DS Bergerac, Inspector Morse and DI Jack Frost, you could be a busy without knowing it. Wearing a full police uniform is no indication either, you might simply be going to a fancy dress party (or you might be a stripper going to a stag do). The only way to find out the truth is to help yourself with your own enquiries by answering the following questions. Take down anything you say and use it in evidence to find out whether YOUR jobby is a bobby.

 

1 One night you spot someone in a cloth cap and a stripy jumper shinning down a drain pipe with a sac-full of candelabras. How many times would you say ‘Hello’ to him?

a. once

b. twice

c. three times

 

2 You arrive at the scene of a hit-and-run accident. The victim is a young black lad who has been knocked off his bike and is unconscious. What is the first thing you do?

a. Check for vital life signs and put him in the recovery position.

b. Ask if anyone took the registration number of the vehicle involved.

c. Slap him till he comes round, ask where he stole the from and throw him into the back of the police van.

 

3 You are trying to teach your pet dog to sit and stay on command, but after a few hours he is getting bored and losing concentration. What do you do?

a. Give up and take him for a walk

b. Speak to him in a loud voice to show him who is boss.

c. Hang him by his collar over a fence and kick him to death.

 

4 Early one morning, you find yourself first at the scene of a break-in at a newsagents shop. The owner has yet to arrive. What do you do?

a. Call the police and guard the shop to prevent further looting.

b. Hurry past, it’s nothing to do with you.

c. Go inside and stuff your uniform with ciggies and sell them later to work colleagues from your locker at the station.

 

5 Your son comes home from school and reports that he has done quite badly in a spelling test. What action do you take?

a. Humorously laugh it off, telling him Shakespeare was unable to spell

b. Sit down and calmly discuss the problem

c. Take him down the cellar, wrap him in a mattress, and beat him with a length of rubber hose

 

6 At work, your boss discovers that you have been systematically incompetent and dishonest. You are looking at certain dismissal and a possible prison sentence. What course of action would you take?

a. Resign in disgrace and accept your punishment.

b. Deny all charges and try to ride the storm.

c. Accept early retirement on the grounds of ‘ill health’ with a [censored] big lump sum and a full pension.

 

 

 

7 In the bathroom one morning, you notice that the toothpaste tube has been squeezed from the from the middle, and the top has been left off. What course of action do you take?

a. Replace the cap and think no more about it

b. Make a joke of it over breakfast, hoping the culprit will get the message

c. Lock each member of the family in a separate room and keep them awake for 5 days. Disorientate them with violent ‘Nice & Nasty’ mood swings and lead each one to believe that the others have made signed statements blaming them. When their spirit is broken, hand them a brief and innocuous statement to sign, the last two pages of which are blank, and to which you later add a fabricated confession.

 

8 You go into a shop to but a hat. What sort do you choose?

a. A tribly hat.

b. A baseball hat.

c. A tall, black tit with a metal nipple.

 

9 Driving home from the pub, you are pulled over by a police car and breathalysed. The roadside test proves positive. What do you do?

a. Admit the offence and vow to change your ways.

b. Contest the result and demand a blood test at the station

c. Flash your warrant card at the officer and drive merrily on your way.

 

10 What sort of person were you at school?

a. Studious and academic.

b. Sporting and competitive.

c. A big racist bully, pick-pocket and thief with no friends.

 

11 What do you consider the most important skill you bring to your profession?

a. An ability to organise and work as a member of a team.

b. The capacity to solve problems quickly and imaginatively.

c. Being over 5 foot 10.

 

 

 

 

How did you do?

Mainly A’s : Oh dear! You are fair honest, hard working and you always try to do the right thing. You are certainly not a copper, and never will be. There is no place in the police force for the likes of you.

 

Mainly B’s : You are definitely not a copper, but on the other hand you are not definitely not a copper neither. You are somewhere in-between. Perhaps you’re a traffic warden or Security guard in Top Shop.

 

Mainly C’s : Congratulations! You’re the Fuzz. Tirelessly pounding the beat in your pig, shiny shoes, you impartially dish out justice to young and old, black or white, paying particular attention to the young and black.