Coupla Jokes

[Claire DC]

a man is walking through amsterdams red light district, lookin 4 a fook when he sees a sign saying "best hookers in town". Walking up 2 the front desk, he asks for the cheapest whore in the building and is led to a darkened room. There, he sees a woman spread eagled on the bed, but as soon as he climbs on and starts pumping away, she repeatedly spits in his eye. Furious, he marches back to reception and tells the madame "that bitch just spat in my face!!" With that, she turns to a bunch of men sat around playing cards and shouts, "On your feet lads, the corpse is full!"

 

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A little blind girl goes up to her mum. "Mummy" she says "when will i be able to see?" Smiling kindly, her mum replies, "I'll tell u wo, i'll take u to the chemist and get some special cream for your eyes. You should b able to see by tomorrow morning." With the little blind girl jumping around excitedly, the two of them had into town. They return with the cream, and that evening the mother rubs the balm on 2 her little girls eyes. "Aah, mummy!" cries the girl, "It stings!"

"Be brave!" consoles her mother, and wraps her head in bandages before putting her to bed.

 

The next morning, the little girl stumbles into her mums bedroom. "Quick, mummy!" she insists eagerly, "take off the bandage!"

So, very slowly the mother peels off the bandages, while her daughter braces herself 4 the magic moment...

"But mummy," says the girl once the bandages are fully removed, "i still cant see a thing!" Her mother grins at her sympathetically, "yes dear," she replies, "April fool"

 

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A man walks into a pub, walks up one wall, along the ceiling, down another wall and up to the bar. he orders a double whiskey, downs it and walks back up the wall, across the ceiling, back down the other wall and out the door. A watching punter says to the barman, "That was a bit weird!" "Yeah," says the barman "he usually has a pint"

 

 

 

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Man: Doctor! Doctor! I've got five penises

GP: My Goodness... how do you trousers fit?

Man: Like a glove.

 

 

A man goes to see an optician.

The doctor says, "You have to stop masturbating."

The man says, "Why? Am I going blind?"

"No," replies the doctor, "You're upsetting

the other patients in the waiting room."

 

 

A paedo goes up to a boy in a park and says

"I'll give you some sweets if you come in my van.

The boy replies, "OK. But give me a fiver and

I'll come in your mouth."

 

 

heres a sick 1. when i heard it, i laughed.

 

then felt guilty

 

 

then thought fook it, im probably going to hell anyway so i laughed again

 

Q: how do u make a 7 year old cry twice?

A: wipe the blood from ur cock on 2 her favourite teddy

[JoeDrawb]

the first one is sick and the second one is cruel!!! Just read the last one