Astrologically Signs

[Miss Minx]

1. Taurus (April 21-May 21)

 

These people are earthy, natural, and have a direct approach

to the opposite sex which can only be called tactless. The

typical Taurus pickup line is "wanna fuck?" The typical Taurus

comeback to that line is "no, thanks, I already have one asshole

in my pants."

 

But once a Taurus has his mind made up, there's no stopping him.

He'll rent a $200-a-night hotel room, and a $500-a-night whore,

and pretend he is having fun. At least half of Mastercard's

business is done with Tauruses.

 

A Taurus doesn't do anything unless there's something to show

for it. Walk into even the most modest Taurus's home, and you'll

see at least a whole wall of trophies. Never mind that they are

for "Most Improved Bowler" or "Third Place, Rhubarb Pies" or

"Fastest Sheep Catcher in Texas." It's the trophy that counts.

 

Tauruses tend toward all kinds of excesses. Food, booze, sex.

In all cases, the Taurus person will bite off more than he can

chew. Impotence is a regular feature of a Taurus's alleged

love life.

 

Famous Taurus people include Barbara Streisand, Margot Fonteyn,

Sandra Dee, Ella Fitzgerald, Irving Berlin, Johannes Brahms,

Sigmund Freud, Sandy Dennis.

 

 

2. Gemini (May 22-June 21)

 

Gemini are shizophrenic, unpredictable, incongruous and an

enigma. Though they will usually tell you one thing, and then

go do something absolutely different, they are not being

two-faced. When Jesus said, "Father, forgive them, for they

know not what they do," he was probably looking at a gaggle

of Gemini.

 

This means, of course, that most Gemini are gay. Gemini homes

always have closets, but it is often difficult to tell if they

are coming in, or coming out of them. Or both. Two Gemini men

are walking down the street. The foxiest lady on earth walks by,

and one of them sighs. The other turns to him and says "Brucie!

ShAme on you! What was that all about?!!" And Brucie answers,

"Oh, Ferdinand, she was so fabulous! And for the first time in my

life I wished I was a lesbian!"

 

Gemini also love to "chase someone till they're caught."

Women, especially, love to pricktease, and then when the guy falls

all over them drooling, she'll *forget* she was ever remotely

interested. Bitch.

 

However, Geminis tend to be very naive and gullible, so they are

easily taken advantage of, especially by children. Most Gemini

parents think that the new kid's fad is to sniff powder sugar.

Geminis' children buy lots of insulin syringes for diabetic aunts,

even when neither of their parents have sisters.

 

Famous people born under this sign include Marilyn Monroe, Joan

Collins, Bob Hope, Tony Curtis, John Wayne, Pat Boone, Lord Larry

Olivier, Queen Victoria, Brigham Young.

 

 

3. Cancer (June 22-July 23)

 

This sign produces the greatest mothers of all the zodiac.

Cancers live for their homes and families. While the spouse

is in a motel room with the secretary, the Cancer is sitting at

home, telling the kids how wonderful it is that dad stays late

at the office to earn more bread for the family home.

Cancers get married. And fucked. And married. And fucked. And married.

But who's counting?

 

Cancers are pretty dull lovers. Foreplay to a Cancer man involves

a kiss on the cheek. Ask a Cancer woman what for play is, and she'll

say "something they shout on a golf course before they throw out

the first ball." The phrase "wham, bam, thank you, mam" was invented

to describe a Cancer's honeymoon.

 

While they are pretty damned dull to others, Cancers have a good

time, because they live in a dream world. Walter Mitty was probably

a Cancer.

 

Other famous people born under this sign are Ernest Hemingway,

Mary Baker Eddy, John Quincy Adams, Ginger Rogers, Olivia De Havilland,

Natalie Wood, Yul Brynner and Red Skelton.

 

 

4. Leo (July 24-August 23)

 

With great personal charm and animal magnetism, Leos don't have

to be good-looking to get some nookie. Leos are also romantic,

which helps a lot in the free fuck department.

However, all this charm is superficial, and though Leos make

great one-night stands, they usually flop as spouses.

 

An example might be of the Leo couple who wind up in a

candle-lit honeymoon suite, and she enters the bedroom in a

classy lace nightie, and he slowly removes it, and kisses

her all over. But when they get into bed, all they can do

is talk about how wonderful and romantic they make each other

feel. She's frigid and he can't get it up.

 

But on the brighter side, a Leo is a wonderful confidant,

someone you can tell anything to. A good shoulder to cry on.

On the other hand, a Leo tends to let conceit and vanity get

in the way. They make great sales-people -- they can sell

fishnet stockings to a quadraplegiac.

 

Leos, however, are themselves very trusting and generous.

The phrases "The check is in the mail", "I love you", and

"I won't cum in your mouth" are all on the Top 10 Phrases

to save for Leos.

 

Famous Leos include Peter O'Toole, Lucille Ball, Herman

Melville, George Bernard Shaw, Cecil B DeMille and Claude

Debussy.

 

[Guest]

im a cancarian and that is wrong lol

 

im homeloving, highly sensitive, moody and protective

[Tresh]

What about the rest of the signs?

[Miss Minx]

WELL DONE FOR SPOTTING MY DELIBERATE MISTAKE THERE TRESH

 

 

5. Virgo (August 24-September 23)

 

A true horror in the sexual zodiac, Virgos are the only people

who can become prostitutes and still claim to be virgins. A

Virgo tends toward a practical and realistic attitude towards

sex, so this little pun is not at all far-fetched.

 

A Virgo will, for instance, ask $50 for a blowjob, $75 if you

cum in his/her mouth, or $20 a minute, whichever "comes" first.

People born under this sign can be witty, articulate, charming,

and 'lives of the party', but they usually fuck it up by hiding

their emotions.

 

Virgos are the kind of people who put sanitized toilet seat

covers down on a clean motel john. They are the kind of people

who insist on using the unopened tube of K-Y. If the condom

isn't vacuum-sealed, they won't go near it. And complete showers,

if not disinfected baths, are required both before and after.

And if you even touch a Virgos asshole, kiss your tryst goodbye.

 

Famous people born under this sign include Leo Tolstoy, Walter

Reed, H.G.Wells, Upron Sinclair, Cliff Robertson, Sean Connery,

Kitty Carlisle, Lauren Becall, Greta Garbo, Raquel Welch.

 

 

6. Libra (September 24-October 23)

 

Libras are anal retentives whose sole purpose in life is to be

right all the time. They respond to admiration, praise and flattery,

but only for a couple of seconds at a time.

 

Libras love living in style, especially if they cannot afford it.

Show me a bitch who won't fuck until she's had jewelry, candlelight

dinners in expensive restaurants & satin sheets, and I'll show you

a loose Libra. To them, sex is something animals do. Of course that

may be why they lead their spouses around on a leash.

 

Hobbies Libras love include interior decoration (when someone else

is paying for it), fashion, needlework (including voodoo), listening

to art shows, and watching concerts. Opera fans are almost always

Libras.

 

These people will do almost anything for peace and harmony. The way

to drive a Libra ape-shit is to say "fuck me or I'll play loud punk

rock music." Along those lines, Libras make the best hostages.

Unfortunately, many of them also become cops. Nightsticks make a

well-behaved lover.

 

Famous Libras include Friedrich Nietzsche, Eugene O'Neill, Brigitte

Bardot (No? Really?), Julie Andrews, Angie Dickinson, Angela Lansbury,

Charleston Heston, and Helen Hayes.

 

 

7. Scorpio (October 24-November 22)

 

Scorpios are the most highly sexed of all the signs of the zodiac.

Dynamic, passionate & aggressive, a Scorpios first date with someone

normally ends in rape. The back seat is where he/she makes his/her

moves. The trunk is where he/she keeps your EX...and his/her "toys".

Because of their obnoxious behavior, Scorpios are often challenged to

duels. Their choice of weapons is usually a tactical nuclear device at

30 paces.

 

Scorpios are prone to excesses: booze, drugs, sex, bad puns, etc.

They usually exploit the weaknesses of others, who fall victim to

their capacity for total lust & sexual abberation. In youth, Scorpios

hide in locker rooms of the opposite sex, waiting for just one person

to remain. In adulthood, they hide in dark alleys. And in old age,

they hang around playgrounds with bags of candy.

 

Charles Manson is a Scorpio.

 

Other famous Scorpios include Richard Burton, Dick Cavett, Will Rogers,

Son of Sam, the Hillside Strangler, the Boston Strangler, the Heimlich

Manuever Strangler, Teddy Roosevelt, Billy Graham, Katherine Hepburn,

& about 1/12th of the rest of the human race.

 

Scorpios posess great intellectual curiosity & creative talent. They

think they are rebels & are arrogant, proud, conceited, and worth every

penny of it. Despite all these shortcomings, they make loyal & devoted

marriage partners, at least for the first 5 minutes. After that, it just

depends on what catches their eye. Scorpios always want what they can't

have, and generally manage to get it...sometimes legally.

 

Scorpios are held in awe by their enemies & are admired passionately by

their friends...both of them. And Scorpios return that loyalty...until

someone says "Good Morning" to them in a funny tone of voice. Scorpios

fear nothing. Most Scorpios are murdered in their beds.

 

8. Sagittarius (November 23-December 21)

 

Their positive, optimistic enthusiasm for life makes these people

fucking disgusting. They are a delight to be with, the life of the

party, and are never a burdon to their friends, letting the woes

of life roll off of them. Pretty nauseating.

 

A good sense of humor, warmth, romance and being a good fuck are

also attributes of the Sag. So with all this going for them, what

ever could they do wrong? Well, sad but true, the Sagittarius

person is a great one-night stand, but a lousy spouse. They get

married, and married, and married, and never get carried away.

 

They dislike being tied down, and hate to even talk about it.

A single Sagittarius is charming, but a married one is an

obnoxious flirt who would sell his/her spouse for a roll in the

hay with a new young stag/broad. And it often works out that way.

 

Sags also have a great temper. A Sagittarius couple is about as

amusing a thought as marrying a Jewish American Princess to the

leader of the PLO.

 

Famous Sagittarians include John Milton, Heinrich Heine, Martin

Van Buren, Fiorello La Guardia, Jane Fonda, Kirk Douglas,

Frank Sinatra, Joe Dimaggio, Noel Coward, Louisa May Alcott,

Lee Remick, Mary Martin and Andy Williams.

 

 

9. Capricorn (December 22-January 20)

 

Class. That's what Capricorns have. Not much sensuality,

hardly ever fun to be with, but lots of class. They tend

to look taller than they really are, and, speaking of which,

Capricorn men always seem to have 10 inches, even if they

really only have 3.

 

Of course, most of it is facade, and deep down inside they

are really conservative, tight-assed cowards...with class.

These are the true snots of the world. But they make good

supportive wives....especially the men.

 

Often self-conscious, and overly concerned with what other

people think of them, Capricorns can be a real pain. They are

much more interested in appearances than any other sign. But

if you cross them, they don't get angry, they don't get even.

They just turn their internal thermostat down about 100 degrees

when they see you. Women who marry a Capricorn, and flirt, end

up with a pussy full of cocksicle.

 

Most horoscopes claim that Capricorns can be the most passionate

lovers in the Zodiac when they lose their inhibitions, but since

they rarely touch drugs, this almost never happens.

 

Famous Capricorns are Louis Pasteur, Ben Franklin, Beethoven,

Isaac Newton, Henry Miller, Rudyard K.ipling, Marlene Dietrich,

Loretta Young, Mary Tyler Moore, Danny Kaye, Cary Grant, Janis

Joplin and Elvis Presley.

 

 

10. Aquarius (January 21-February 19)

 

Charming, exciting, completely unpredictable and among the most

original, inventive and complex people in the zodiac, Aquarians

fuck like rabbits. The Kama Sutra was probably first used as an

elementary school coloring book for Aquarius kids.

 

Though they are intuitive dreamers, they also have a sharp

analytical perception. Thus, they can dream of a new sexual

position and immediately know if it is a physical possibility.

Advances in civilization, science, and new inventions are

a special interest to this sign. Most sex aids were invented

by Aquarians.

 

Generous to a fault, it was an Aquarius who invented the

"pity fuck." Someone having a rough time? Well, fuck 'em!

Literally! It'll cheer him up, at least. Of course, when an

Aquarius screws you, you may walk bowlegged for months.

It depends on how many positions, "toys" and hours the session

lasts.

 

On the dark side, an Aquarius is a free spirit who doesn't

give a shit for other people's opinions. At times they are careless,

slovenly and absent-minded. Even odoriferous. People of this sign

are the most likely to have fleas, lice, herpes and VD. And pass

them on.

 

Famous Aqaurians include: Vanessa Redgrave, Zsa Zsa Gabor, and

her sister Eva, Kim Novak, Paul Newman, Clark Gable, John

Barrymore, Cahrles Dickens, Thomas Edison, Lewis Carroll

and Robert Burns.

 

[Ginge]

Astrology is a complete loads of utter bollox. I cant believe that there are only 12 different types of people on the planet.

 

These spiritualist have now tried to combine it with the Chinese horoscope so you got 144 types of people.

 

Its a loads of rubbish and I think it should be erased from existance.

[the 1 n only]

still aint got aries pisces

[Miss Minx]

well they werent on there then sorry ;oP

[fifedjdomo]

9. Capricorn (December 22-January 20)

 

Class. That's what Capricorns have. Not much sensuality,

hardly ever fun to be with, but lots of class. They tend

to look taller than they really are, and, speaking of which,

Capricorn men always seem to have 10 inches, even if they

really only have 3.

 

Of course, most of it is facade, and deep down inside they

are really conservative, tight-assed cowards...with class.

These are the true snots of the world. But they make good

supportive wives....especially the men.

 

Often self-conscious, and overly concerned with what other

people think of them, Capricorns can be a real pain. They are

much more interested in appearances than any other sign. But

if you cross them, they don't get angry, they don't get even.

They just turn their internal thermostat down about 100 degrees

when they see you. Women who marry a Capricorn, and flirt, end

up with a pussy full of cocksicle.

 

Most horoscopes claim that Capricorns can be the most passionate

lovers in the Zodiac when they lose their inhibitions, but since

they rarely touch drugs, this almost never happens.

 

Famous Capricorns are Louis Pasteur, Ben Franklin, Beethoven,

Isaac Newton, Henry Miller, Rudyard K.ipling, Marlene Dietrich,

Loretta Young, Mary Tyler Moore, Danny Kaye, Cary Grant, Janis

Joplin and Elvis Presley.

 

 

 

 

well thats no very nice is it....

[Scream]

come on you scorpions, LOL

Edited August 21, 2005 by Scream

[Miss Minx]

My ex was a scorio aswell lol rather true

[BenRW]

I completely disagree with the cancer one

[Guest]

well they werent on there then sorry ;oP

194803[/snapback]

 

Well bloody go and find them

 

 

Scorpios are prone to excesses: booze, drugs, bad puns, etc.

They usually exploit the weaknesses of others, who fall victim to their capacity for total lust & sexual abberation

 

And in old age, they hang around playgrounds with bags of candy

 

are arrogant, proud, conceited

 

they make loyal & devoted marriage partners, at least for the first 5 minutes. After that, it just depends on what catches their eye.

 

Scorpios always want what they can't have, and generally manage to get it until someone says "Good Morning" to them in a funny tone of voice. Scorpios

fear nothing.

 

Most Scorpios are murdered in their beds. 

 

Guess what my X was

[Guest]

come on you scorpions, LOL

194865[/snapback]

Losers !

[fifedjdomo]

i dont particularly believe in the star signs and things to be completely honest. however i do find it a little intruiging when they do kinda fit into your life. but then im sure if u read them all there would be ways to see that they all fit to your life in each little different way, because people change.

[Scream]

come on you scorpions, LOL

194865[/snapback]

Losers !

194903[/snapback]

 

don't make me put you in a hole missy! lol