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  I HAVE recently started to masturbate whilst fantasising about

  Jeanette Krankie. My problem is that I cannot work out whether I am gay,

  straight or a paedophile. What do your readers think?

 

  D Barclay

 

  COULD the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris

  patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on Muslim cleric

  Abu Hamsa.

 

  Les Barnsley, Barnsley

 

  'ONE pound a week will supply water for an entire village in

  Tanzania', says Oxfam. So how come United Utilities charge me twenty

  pounds a month for my three bedroom semi? The fleecing bastards.

 

  Tracey Cusick, Cumbria

 

 

  HOW come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his multi-million

  selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's

  football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law

  for the rich and another for the poor.

 

  Reg Ashcroft, Bradford

 

 

  So HMV consider Andy Williams and Dean Martin to be "easy listening"

  do they? Try telling that to my mate Andy. He's been deaf for 20 years.

 

  Tim

 

 

  They say "you can't judge a book by its cover". What nonsense. The

  last edition of High School Anal that I bought featured a young lady

  stuffing a big one up her bomb-bay on the front page, and this turned

  out to be an excellent indication of the contents.

 

  Mark Roberts

 

 

  According to Nietzsche, 'That which does not kill me makes me

  stronger'.

  I'm sure my grandad would not agree. He suffered a series of massive

  strokes in the early '90s which have left him an incontinent vegetable

  for the past 12 years.

 

  A Thorne, Sandbach

 

 

  IT'S uncanny how some of these old sayings are true. 'Absence makes

  the heart grow fonder', said my wife as she waved goodbye to me on the

  way to

 

  spend a month with her mother. Since then I have grown quite fond of

  my next door neighbour. I actually gave her one on the living room

  carpet this morning.

 

  Christopher Hampshire, Bristol

 

  The recent suicide of Harold Shipman has thrown up some interesting

  questions. For a start, does Shipman killing himself take his official

  tally up to 216, or does it count as an own goal? Where does this final

  score place our national champ in the world league table?

 

  Magnus, Sheffield

 

  I was shocked to hear Home Secretary David Blunkett say that Britain's

  prison population has been ballooning for the past ten years. My God,

  has the world gone mad? Those people are there to be punished, not to be

  given 'thrill of a lifetime' experiences that most law abiding citizens

  can only dream of.

 

  Mrs Close, Headingley

 

 

  The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in

  Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it just

  me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the

  poor sods?

 

  John Campbell, e-mail

 

  Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What

  about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about

  galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.

 

  Mike Woods, e-mail

 

 

  With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces

  soldiers try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers include a

  couple of Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the twat quickly enough

  the last time he played hide and seek with them.

 

  Shuggie, Email

 

 

  It's all very well Meg Ryan getting her kit off for her new film, but

  why wasn't she doing it twenty years ago before her puppies hit the pan?

 

 

  Alan Pick, Kingston-upon-Toast

 

 

  I would like to thank Darren of Chelsea for not coming to Australia

  with Jenny. She is a great shag. Thanks again.

 

  Baz, Bondi

 

 

  Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with

  the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I

  hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid

  sense of humour.

 

  Chris Scaife, Jesmond

 

  Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's

  Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits climbing

  into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should get some

  faster cars.

 

  T Barnham, London

 

 

 

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ive just sent that ropund the office and with the new outlook thing at work its come up as

 

Kate Smith; I have recently started to masturbate

 

as it gives u the first line of the mail lol

 

theyre ace

Minx
n. A girl who really likes sex, usually the kinky kind.

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