Friday Funnies !

[Maria]

Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?

Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at  your picture and the problem disappears.

Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?

Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be Greater than this one?"

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Stress Reliever # 2

 

Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your Burden.

Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles.

Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.

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Stress Reliever # 3

 

Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.

Mom: Well, you did the right thing.

Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

 

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Stress Reliever # 4

 

A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"

"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you "NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"

 

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Stress Reliever # 5

 

Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."

Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

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Stress Reliever # 7

 

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.

The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.

 

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Stress Reliever # 8

 

A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me - my pretty face or my sexy body?"

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humour."

 

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Blondes FOREVER !!!!!!

 

Did you hear about the two blondes that froze to death in a drive-in movie?

They went to see "Closed for the Winter."

 

*********************

Why did the blonde resolve to have only 3 children?

She heard that 1 out of every 4 children born in the world was Chinese.

 

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A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. "How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.

 

"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.

"What?" sputtered the doctor--"You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?"

"No, Silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought:

I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."

"So then?"--asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $5000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."

 

"So then?"

"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

 

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A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she

 

took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and

 

blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a

 

little harder, and still nothing happened.

Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

 

The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first."

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AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST.....

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.

Her boss asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?"

The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."

The boss feeling very sorry for her says, "Why don't you go home for the day, we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to

 

relax and rest."

"Thanks, but I"d be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual.

A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying.

 

"What's so bad now?

Are you gonna be okay?" he asks.

"No!" exclaims the blonde. "I just received a horrible call from my sister and she said that her mom died too!"

 

***************

Father of my child

A guy is in line at the supermarket when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand, smiled and said hello to him.

 

He is rather taken back that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he cannot place where he might know her from,

 

so he says, "Sorry do you know me?"

She replies, "I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!"

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, Geeezus!" he says. "Are you that strip-o-gram at my bachelor party

 

that I made it with on the pool table in front of all my friends while your girlfriend whipped my bare butt with a wooden spatula?"

 

"No," she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher."

 

 

Some corkers there

[fifedjdomo]

amazin!

that lightened my mood a little

 

i think shaney posted that joke about the english teacher before though

[Guest]

Why did the blonde resolve to have only 3 children?

She heard that 1 out of every 4 children born in the world was Chinese.

 

[fifedjdomo]

neh

 

A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. "How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.

 

"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.

"What?" sputtered the doctor--"You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?"

"No, Silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought:

I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."

"So then?"--asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $5000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."

 

"So then?"

"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

 

[Guest]