Some very usefull tips.

[Maria]

DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune

and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you

like and hum that instead.

 

CINEMA goers: Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a

p*ss before the film starts.

 

RAPPERS: Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually

speaking clearly in the first place.

 

DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity

stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old

bank statements.

 

WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red

wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the

stains.

 

SOLDIERS: Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial

tomfoolery after a trip to Truprint.

 

MURDERERS: Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to

yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.

 

BURGLARS: When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out

at 90?, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on

you.

 

EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs

into the bin.

 

MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the

volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife

from having to do it.

 

GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by

Royal Mail.

 

BANGING: two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very

small horse is approaching.

 

BLIND PEOPLE: Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not

wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.

 

SAD PEOPLE: alcohol makes an ideal substitute for happiness.

 

DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and

wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on

their way.

 

PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving

everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the

morning, simply move it all back again.

 

CAR thieves: Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables

may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

 

DEPRESSED people: Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help',simply

shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.

 

MOTORISTS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving.

Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you

are listening to the sea.

 

JEREMY Beadle: When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in your

bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser disks.

 

SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.

 

SINGLE men: Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside

Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally

glancing inside.

 

BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into

boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3

miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.

 

ALCOHOLICS: don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub,

where a large selection is available at retail prices.

 

McDONALD'S: Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in

with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.

 

And the absolute belter for last

 

WOMEN: Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a s**t

anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house after wards

 

[Miss Minx]

heard em before but still hilllarious

[Ginge]

"RAPPERS: Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place."

 

So true. I hate it when people say "know what I'm sayin" or "know what I mean" all the time.

 

Its even worse when its YOU saying something and someone else says "know what I mean" afterwards when it wasnt even them that said anything.

 

Sorry...rant over.