SOME SHIT JOKES FROM ME

Miss Minx · October 6, 2005

Tired of constantly being broke, and stuck in an unhappy

marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out

a large insurance policy on his wife (with himself as the

beneficiary), and arranging to have her killed.

A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious,

Underworld figure, who went by the name of "Artie."

Artie explained to the husband that his going price for

snuffing out a spouse was 5,000 quid. The husband said he was willing to

pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until

he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid SOMETHING up front. The man

opened up his wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested

inside.

Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept

The quid as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the

Local ASDA.

There, he surprised her in the produce department, and

proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands.

As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath, and

slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled

unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie

had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by

Hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who

Immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he

could leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie

revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the

hapless husband. And that is why, the next day in the newspaper,

the headline declared:

(It's a beauty)

"ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A POUND AT ASDA."

Miss Minx · October 6, 2005

The following is an exchange of correspondence between a customer and Â

> the Irish Rail:

>

> Gentlemen, I have been riding trains daily for the last two years, and

> the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. Â I am

> tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think

> the transportation system Â is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.

>

> Â Yours truly,

> Â Patrick Finnegan

> Â ******************

> Â Dear Mr. Finnegan,

> We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our

> service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The

> only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.

>

> Â Sincerely,

> Â Iarnrod Eireann.

>

> Â ******************

> Â Gentlemen,

> I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are

> confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible, Book of

> David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass. Â

> That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train

> in the last two years!

>

> Â Yours truly,

> Â Patrick Finnegan

Miss Minx · October 6, 2005

and the last one

What do you get if you give a gun too a sheep?

Lambo

hahahaha

fifedjdomo · October 6, 2005

"ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A POUND AT ASDA."

203447[/snapback]

HAHA!!

If you will refer to the Bible, Book of
> David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass.

> That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train

> in the last two years!

>

> Yours truly,

> Patrick Finnegan

203448[/snapback]

now thats funny!

and the last one

What do you get if you give a gun too a sheep?

Lambo

hahahaha

203449[/snapback]

.....no

Miss Minx · October 7, 2005

i liked them

October 7, 2005

and the last one

What do you get if you give a gun too a sheep?

Lambo

hahahaha

203449[/snapback]

Ginge · October 7, 2005

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, " Dad, how many kind of boobies are there?

The father, surprised, answers, "well, son, there's three kinds of breasts.Ã‚ In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, - "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."

Ginge · October 7, 2005

London Police are in trouble again. They have just shot a bus load of Thalidamide Iraqi's.

They thought they were bringing small arms into the country!!

Ginge · October 7, 2005

Late last Saturday night; a young chap was walking home from a club. It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin. Then suddenly he heard a strange noise.......

BUMP........

Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the driving rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.

BUMP........

He froze to the spot, he couldn' t believe his eyes, as the box approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more clearly....It was a coffin.

Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started

walking briskly home.

BUMP........

He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking faster.........

BUMP........BUMP......

The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he heard the coffin speed up after him......

BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...

He started to sprint, but so did the coffin .......

BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.

BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....

BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.

Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys, his hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and slumped into his comfy chair. Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its chase.....

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door........

BUMP...SCREECH...HOP..BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...

BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...

The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the bathroom door flew off its hinges..... the coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young terrified lad.

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom cabinet......

He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the coffin.......still it came .......

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it .....still it came......

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP.SCREECH...

He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it ......still it came......

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

He grabbed some Benelyn cough mixture and threw it........

....The coffin stopped.

fifedjdomo · October 7, 2005

thats more of a horror story than a joke...

what u tryin to do ginge? lol

Ginge · October 7, 2005

Scare the everloving bejesus out of you. MWAAA HAAA HAAA

fifedjdomo · October 7, 2005

didnt quite work out the way u wanted it then i guess?

Ginge · October 7, 2005

Thats coz I'm not really a nasty person...despite what some people may have told you.

fifedjdomo · October 8, 2005

i have never heard such blasphamy pass my ears

Ginge · October 8, 2005

BLASPHEMY???

When did I even mention religion???

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