School yard football rules

[Guest Jay]

General Matches shall be played over three unequal periods: two

playtimes and lunchtime.

 

Each of these periods shall begin shortly after the ringing of a bell,

and although a bell is also rung towards the end of these periods, play

may continue for up to ten minutes afterwards, depending on the nihilism

or "bottle" of the participants with regard to corporal punishment meted

out to latecomers back to the classroom.

 

In practice there is a sliding scale of nihilism, from those who hasten

to stand in line as soon as the bell rings, known as "poofs", through

those who will hang on until the time they estimate it takes the

teachers to down the last of their G & T's and journey from the staff

room, known as "chancers", and finally to those who will hang on until a

teacher actually has to physically retrieve them, known as "nutters".

 

This sliding scale is intended to radically alter the logistics of a

match in progress, often having dramatic effects on the scoreline as the

number of remaining participants drops. It is important, therefore, in

picking the sides, to achieve a fair balance of poofs, chancers and

nutters in order that the scoreline achieved over a sustained period of

play - lunchtime, for instance - is not totally nullified by a

five-minute post-bell onslaught of five nutters against one.

 

The scoreline to be carried over from the previous period of the match

is in the trust of the last nutters to leave the field of play, and may

be the matter of some debate. This must be resolved in one of the

approved manners (see Adjudication).

 

Parameters

 

The object is to force the ball between two large, unkempt piles of

jackets, in lieu of goalposts. These piles may grow or shrink throughout

the match, depending on the number of participants and the prevailing

weather. As the number of players increases, so shall the piles.

 

Each jacket added to the pile by a new addition to a side should be

placed on the inside, nearest the goalkeeper, thus reducing the target

area. It is also important that the sleeve of one of the jackets should

jut out across the goalmouth, as it will often be claimed that the ball

went "over the post" and it can henceforth be asserted that the

outstretched sleeve denotes the innermost part of the pile and thus the

inside of the post.

 

The on-going reduction of the size of the goal is the responsibility of

any respectable defence and should be undertaken conscientiously with

resourcefulness and imagination.

 

In the absence of a crossbar, the upper limit of the target area is

observed as being slightly above head height, although when the height

at which a ball passed between the jackets is in dispute, judgement

shall lie with an arbitrary adjudicator from one of the sides. He is

known as the "best fighter"; his decision is final and may be enforced

with physical violence if anyone wants to stretch a point.

 

In games on large open spaces, the length of the pitch is obviously

denoted by the jacket piles, but the width is a variable. In the absence

of roads, water hazards etc, the width is determined by how far out the

attacking winger has to meander before the pursuing defender gets fed up

and lets him head back towards where the rest of the players are

waiting, often as far as quarter of a mile away.

 

It is often observed that the playing area is "not a full-size pitch".

This can be invoked verbally to justify placing a wall of players

eighteen inches from the ball at direct free kicks. It is the formal

response to "yards", which the kick-taker will incant meaninglessly as

he places the ball.

 

Tactics

 

Playground football tactics are best explained in terms of team

formation. Whereas senior sides tend to choose - according to

circumstance - from among a number of standard options (eg 4-4-2, 4-3-3,

5-3-2), the playground side is usually more rigid in sticking to the

all-purpose 1-1-17 formation. This formation is a sturdy basis for the

unique style of play, ball-flow and territorial give-and-take that makes

the playground game such a renowned and strategically engrossing

spectacle. Just as the 5-3-2 formation is sometimes referred to in

practice as "Cattenaccio", the 1-1-17 formation gives rise to a style of

play that is best described as "Nomadic". All but perhaps four of the

participants (see also Offside) migrate en masse from one area of the

pitch to another, following the ball, and it is tactically vital that

every last one of them remains within a ten-yard radius of it at all

times.

 

Stoppages

 

Much stoppage time in the senior game is down to injured players

requiring treatment on the field of play. The playground game flows

freer having adopted the refereeing philosophy of "no Post-Mortem, no

free-kick", and play will continue around and even on top of a

participant who has fallen in the course of his endeavours. However, the

playground game is nonetheless subject to other interruptions, and some

examples are listed below.

 

1. Ball on school roof or over school wall.

The retrieval time itself is negligible in these cases. The stoppage is

most prolonged by the argument to decide which player must risk life,

limb or four of the belt to scale the drainpipe or negotiate the barbed

wire in order to return the ball to play. Disputes usually arise between

the player who actually struck the ball and any others he claims it may

have struck before disappearing into forbidden territory. In the case of

the Best Fighter having been adjudged responsible for such an incident,

a volunteer is often required to go in his stead or the game may be

abandoned, as the Best Fighter is entitled to observe that A: "you can't

make me"; or B: "It's not my ball anyway".

 

2. Bigger boys steal ball.

A highly irritating interruption, the length of which is determined by

the players' experience in dealing with this sort of thing. The

intruders will seldom actually steal the ball, but will improvise their

own kickabout amongst themselves, occasionally inviting the younger

players to attempt to tackle them. Standing around looking bored and

unimpressed usually results in a quick restart. Shows of frustration and

engaging in attempts to win back the ball can prolong the stoppage

indefinitely. Informing the intruders that one of the players' older

brother is "Mad Paul Murphy" or some other noted local pugilist can also

ensure minimum delay.

 

3. Menopausal old bag confiscates ball.

More of a threat in the street or local green kickabout than within the

school walls. Sad, blue-rinsed, ill-tempered, Tory-voting cat-owner

transfers her anger about the array of failures that has been her life

to nine-year-olds who have committed the heinous crime of letting their

ball cross her privet Line of Death. Interruption (loss of ball) is

predicted to last "until you learn how to play with it properly", but

instruction on how to achieve this without actually having the bloody

thing is not usually forwarded. Tact is required in these circumstances,

even when the return of the ball seems highly unlikely, as further

irritation of woman may result in the more serious stoppage: Menopausal

old bag calls police.

 

Celebration

 

Goal-scorers are entitled to a maximum run of thirty yards with their

hands in the air, making crowd noises and saluting imaginary packed

terraces.

 

Congratulation by teammates is in the measure appropriate to the

importance of the goal in view of the current scoreline (for instance,

making it 34-12 does not entitle the player to drop to his knees and

make the sign of the cross), and the extent of the scorer's

contribution. A fabulous solo dismantling of the defence or 25-yard

(actually eight yards, but calculated as relative distance because "it's

not a full-size pitch" rocket shot will elicit applause and back-pats

from the entire team and the more magnanimous of the opponents. However,

a tap-in in the midst of a chaotic scramble will be heralded with the

epithet "goalhanging tosser" from the opposing defence amidst mild

acknowledgment from teammates. Applying an unnecessary final touch when

a ball is already rolling into the goal will elicit a burst nose from

the original striker. Kneeling down to head the ball over the line when

defence and keeper are already beaten will elicit a thoroughly deserved

kicking. As a footnote, however, it should be stressed that any goal

scored by the Best Fighter will be met with universal acclaim, even if

it falls into any of the latter three categories.

 

Penalties

 

At senior level, each side often has one appointed penalty-taker, who

will defer to a teammate in special circumstances, such as his requiring

one more for a hat trick. The playground side has two appointed

penalty-takers: the Best Player and the Best Fighter. The arrangement is

simple: the Best Player takes the penalties when his side is a

retrievable margin behind, and the Best Fighter at all other times. If

the side is comfortably in front, the ball-owner may be invited to take

a penalty. Goalkeepers are often the subject of temporary substitutions

at penalties, forced to give up their position to the Best Player or

Best Fighter, who recognise the kudos attached to the heroic act of

saving one of these kicks, and are b**gered if "little Billy" is going

to steal any of it.

 

Close Season

 

This is known also as the Summer Holidays, which the players usually

spend dabbling briefly in other sports: tennis for a fortnight while

Wimbledon is on the telly; pitch-and-putt for four days during the Open;

and cricket for about an hour and a half until they discover that it

really is as boring to play as it is to watch.

 

[tronicz]

.......funny but mostly true