Stuff to make u chuckle

[Davies]

One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I

guess I should see a doctor." His friend offered, "Don't do

that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose

anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a

sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem

and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

 

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a

urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer,

he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer

started making some noise and various lights started flashing.

After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which

was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water.

Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.

 

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology

was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to

wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a

try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his

dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off,

he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug

store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited

the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out

the following message: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water

softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is

using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is

pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And

if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get

better.

 

One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a

water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen

another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was

chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.

 

The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said, "Because you

are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both

three wishes. Bear, you go first." The bear thought for a

minute, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the

bears in this forest, besides me, to be female."

 

For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and

immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of

the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.

 

It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all

the bears in the next forest were female as well."

 

The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it

and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was

asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked

for money and bought the motorcycle.

 

For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, "I

wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."

 

The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, "I wish that

the bear was gay."

 

The following are samples of REAL answers received on exams given by

the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read

Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)

 

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?

A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

 

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the

same time?

A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying,

'Guns don't kill people. I do.'

 

Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?

A: Always wear a condom.

 

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?

A: Your car.

 

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?

A: Be too sh*t-faced to find your keys.

 

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving.

A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

 

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive

lawfully?

A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

 

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?

A: Make eye contact and wave 'hello' if he/she is cute.

 

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a

flashing yellow traffic light?

A: The color.

 

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?

A: Heavy psychedelics.

 

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?

A: Carry loaded weapons.

 

Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers

Journal, the following are 22 questions actually asked of

witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the

responses given by insightful witnesses:

 

"Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,

he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

 

"The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

 

"Were you present when your picture was taken?"

 

"Were you alone or by yourself?"

 

"Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

 

"Did he kill you?"

 

"How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

 

"You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

 

"How many times have you committed suicide?"

 

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?

 

Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?

 

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?

A: Yes.

Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

 

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon,

didn't you?

A: I went to Europe, Sir.

Q: And you took your new wife?

 

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

 

Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male, or a female?

 

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a

deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

 

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead

people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

 

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go

to?

A: Oral.

 

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m..

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing

an autopsy.

 

Q: You were not shot in the fracas?

A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

 

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

A: I have been since early childhood.

 

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for

a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you

began the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?

A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing

law somewhere.

 

Who is Jack Schitt? The Lineage Revealed.

 

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "You

don't know Jack Schitt". Now, You can handle the situation.

 

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt,

the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of

Knee-deep Schitt, Inc.

 

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious

couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, The twins; Deep Schitt

and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt, a

high school dropout.

 

After being married for 15 years Jack and Noe divorced. Noe

later married Mr. Sherlock and because her kids were living with

them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe

Schitt-Sherlock.

 

Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a cowardly son,

Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable

throughout childhood and consequently, married the Happens

brothers in a dual ceremony.

 

The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse. Bull

Schitt the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He

recently returned with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.

 

Now, when someone say's you don't know Jack Schitt, you can

correct them.

[Power Slough]

[MItz]

What a feckin long post!!!!!! Got a lot of time on your hands Davies heeheehee!!!

[Wub Wub]

bra-[censored]-vo mate!

[Pepsi]

thats quality

[Davies]

quote:

---

Originally posted by Mitz:

What a feckin long post!!!!!! Got a lot of time on your hands Davies heeheehee!!!

---

yeah it took me ages to write it all out lol

[MItz]

HeHeHe

 

All to make us laugh......what a darlin

 

*even tho it was probably a cut and paste jobby!*

[Davies]

quote:

---

Originally posted by Mitz:

HeHeHe

 

*even tho it was probably a cut and paste jobby!*

---

Quik off the mark today aint we he he

[MItz]

HeHeHE - you know me

[Tidy Girl]

hehehe, thats just cheered up me morning!