Essex Geezers

[James]

How to achieve Canvey/Romford/Southend geezer status:

 

>> >

>> > 1. Reebok Classics - you cannot claim any Geezer status without

>> > these, must be gleaming white,gold stripes are best down to

>>yellow

>> > or orange which are considered a bit pikey by the Geezer

>>hierarchy.

>> >

>> > 2. Tight dark blue Levis501's or designer jeans - a must for

>>that

>> > casual Geezer look, pull them as tight up your arse crack as

>> > possible for extra points. Discard them after 3 washes because

>> > they'll be too faded.

>> >

>> > 3. Gold jewellery - quality doesn't matter here, what counts is

>>size

>> > and quantity, the bigger your jewellery the more of a Geezer you

>> > are.

>> >

>> > 4. Pukka Motor - Any chunk of sh*t will do as long as the wheels

>> > cost more than a thousand pounds and the stereo is so loud

>>people

>> > experience a sonic boom when you drive past. Add a sticker

>>saying

>> > "Missionaborted, gone for a spliff" just to show that you're

>>tough

>> > enough to smoke weed, as well as "a bit of a nutter".

>> >

>> > 5. Football Knowledge - Read every piece of sh*t you can find

>>about

>> > football and memorise it word for word. Then next time you're

>>down

>> > the pub, spout it out like you're Jimmy f*ckin' Hill making sure

>> > that everyone can hear you and note what a Geezer you truly are.

>> >

>> > 6. Lying Skills - Whatever happened to you the night before

>>always

>> > double it to increase your Geezerness. For example if you drank

>>8

>> > pints tell everyone you drank 16 pints, if you had a little

>> > disagreement with a small man at the bar, tell everyone that you

>>had

>> > a huge fight with 2 massive geezers etc. etc. (Also never admit

>>to

>> > puking up or losing control in any way whilst drunk or you will

>>be

>> > classed as a "MUG")

>> >

>> > 7. Ability to act "hard" - even if you are a weedy c*nt who is

>>sh*t

>> > scared of everyone, when you are with 20 of your biggest mates

>>you

>> > can shout at people who are on their own, try to pick people who

>> > won't say anything

>> > clever, old people seem a popular choice. (Remember to stop this

>> > act when you are on your own or you will get beaten sh*tless)

>> >

>> > 8. Strut - Although you are probably very insecure (usually

>>penis

>> > size or sexuality) develop a walk which says "I'm the don, and I

>> > mean f*cking business". The more threatened/insecure you feel

>>the

>> > more you should exaggerate your style.

>> >

>> > 9. Slip-on shoes with big buckles - Essential for getting into

>>most

>> > nightclubs.

>> >

>> > 10. Music knowledge - House and UKgarage are the only acceptabe

>> > choice. Anything with real instruments in it should be described

>>as

>> > "heavy metal sh*t" whilst out with your mates, even though you

>> > can't wait to get home and listen to the sh*tty new Oasis album.

>>The more

>> > gay and irritating the vocals the better it is, although once it

>> > gets in the charts you must stop listening to it, but everytime

>>it

>> > comes on claim that you had it on import or white label 3 years

>>ago.

>> > Also if you can blag that you're a DJ you'll score a lot of

>>extra

>> > geezer points.

>> >

>> > 11. Shirts - Try to wear a smart shirt at all times, pastels,

>>bright

>> > orange or lime green are favourite colours. Fake designer labels

>>to

>> > aim for are Ralph Lauren, Versace, Calvin Klein.

>> >

>> > 12. Baseball cap - This must be white/cream/light grey. Should

>>be

>> > slightly too small for you. Worn perched on the back of your

>>head

>> > to let your gay hairstyle show.

>>

[Power Slough]

[Wub Wub]

A bizarre sub-species of Essex Geezer has been spotted in vast numbers around Basingstoke. Visitors are advised to keep their car doors locked at all times whilst in Basingstoke, and under no circumstances admit to being a hard house DJ.

[petlowe]

Wub.... You are starting to scare people man. I work near enough to Basingstoke... I don't need to read stuff like that. Is it at all that bad???

[Nick G]

James, you've hit the nail right on the head there ... have you got anything to say about the Essex Geezers little sisters - the Kappa Slappa's ??

[LittleMissLoud]

no no no...u got it all wrong the shirt HAS 2 b ben sherman, and they hav 2 hav a skinhead or a gelled up french crop, other wise you'd b a "ponce"!

[Tidy Girl]

hehe they r funny! just brightened up me afternoon!

[FredTheBaddie]

quote:

---

Originally posted by m0nster:

Wub.... You are starting to scare people man. I work near enough to Basingstoke... I don't need to read stuff like that. Is it at all that bad???

---

I can confirm Mr. Wub's words. I lived in Basingstoke for 3 years, and it is geezer central.