Hangovers

[matthew james]

1 star hangover *

 

No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your slept in your own bed and when you

woke up there were no traffic cones there with you. You are still able to

function relatively well on the energy stored up from all those vodka

shakers. However, you can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel as

parched

as the Sahara. Even vegetarians are craving a

cheeseburger and side order of fries.

 

2 star hangover * *

 

No pain, but something is definitely amiss.You may look okay but you have

the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you hug to

try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is

craving a full English breakfast. Although you have a nice demeanour about

the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you

really can handle is some light filing,

followed by aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.

 

3 star hangover * * *

 

Slight headache. Stomach feels crap. You are definitely a space cadet and

not

so productive. Any time a girl or lad walks by, you gag because her/his

perfume/aftershave reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your

alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 2:45 a.m. Life would

be

better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen doughnuts and a litre

of coke watching daytime TV. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water,

2 sausage rolls and a litre of diet coke yet you haven't peed once.

 

4 star hangover * * * *

 

You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak

too quickly or else you might spew. Your boss has already lambasted you for

being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice

clothes, but you smell of socks, and you can't hide the fact that you either

missed an oh-so crucial spot having or it looks like you put your make-up on

while riding the dodgems (depending on your gender). Your teeth have their

own individual sweaters. Your eyes look like one big vein and your hairstyle

makes you look like a reject from the second- grade class picture circa

1976.

You would give a week's pay for one of the following - home time, a

doughnut

and somewhere to be alone, or a time machine so you could go back and NOT

have gone out the night before. You scare small children in the street just

by walking past them

 

5 star hangover * * * * *

 

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the

employee who sits next to you. Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore and

making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your

mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate

saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that would take the

last of the moisture left in your body. Death seems pretty good right now.

Yo

ur boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog

just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick

because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is breathe......very

gently.

 

6 star hangover * * * * * *

 

You arrive home and climb into bed. Sleep comes instantly, as you were

fighting it all the way home in the taxi. You get about 2 hours sleep until

the noises inside your head wake you up. You notice that you bed has been

cleared for take off and is flying

relentlessly around the room. No matter what you do now, you're going to

chuck. You

stumble out of bed and now find that your room is in a yacht under full

sail.

After walking along the skirting boards on alternating walls, knocking off

all the pictures, you find the toilet. If you are lucky you will remember to

lift the lid before you spontaneously explode and wake the whole house up

with your impersonation of

walrus mating calls. You sit there on the floor in your undies, cuddling the

only friend in the world you have left, randomly continuing to make the

walrus noises, spitting, and farting. Help usually comes at this stage, even

if it is short-lived. Tears stream down your face and your abdomen hurts.

Help now turns into abuse and he/she usually goes back to bed, leaving you

there in the dark. With your stomach totally empty, your spontaneous

eruptions have died back to 15- minute intervals, but your body won't

relent.

You are convinced that you are starting to turn yourself inside out and

swear

that you saw your tonsils projectile out your mouth on the last occasion. It

is now dawn and you pass your disgusted partner getting up for the day as

you

try to

climb into bed. She/he abuses you again for trying to get into bed with

lumpy

bits of dried vomit in your hair. You reluctantly accept their advice and

have a shower in exchange for them driving you to the hospital. Work is not

an option. The whole day

is spent trying to avoid anything that might make you sick again, like

moving. You vow never to touch a drop again and who knows for the next two

or

three hours at least you might even succeed

 

For me to relate to this, they need to add a seven and eight star hangover - maybe something along the line of:

 

7*

Woken up in a bin. Covered in cuts and bruises. Slight amnesia. Will recover later this week.

 

8*

Death is imiminant. Pay your respects.

 

m.

[MItz]

So true!

 

Fink I've experienced most of these...except obviously imminent death!