New working contract conditions

[jasun]

COMPANY MEMO - AMENDED TERMS OF EMPLOYMENT

>

>SICK DAYS:

>We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are

>able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to [censored].

>

>SURGERY:

>Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all

>your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact.

>To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

>

>PERSONAL DAYS:

>Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called

>Saturday and Sunday.

>

>VACATION DAYS:

>All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The

>vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1 & Dec. 25

>

>BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:

>This is no excuse for missing [censored]. There is nothing you can do for dead

>friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have

>non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee

>involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late

>afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to [censored] through your lunch hour and

>subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the [censored] is done

>enough.

>

>OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:

>This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks

>notice, as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

>

>RESTROOM USE:

>Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we

>will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all

>employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees

>whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're

>unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the

>next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may

>swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must

>approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time

>limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the

>toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

>

>LUNCH BREAK:

>Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they

>can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a

>balanced meal to maintain the average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for

>lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a

>diet pill.

>

>DRESS CODE:

>It is advised that you come to [censored] dressed according to your salary, if we

>see you wearing £350 trainers and carrying a £600 Gucci bag we assume you

>are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

>

>Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive

>employment experience. Therefore, all questions comments, concerns,

>complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,

>allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input should be

>directed elsewhere. Have a nice week.

>

>-- Management

>

 

I take it w*o*r*k is a banned word on here