Something to offend everyone

[squeakage]

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 mins.

 

What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman? Sexual Harassment.

What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man? £3.99 a minute.

 

How can you tell if your wife is dead?

The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.

 

How can you tell if your husband is dead?

The sex is the same, but you get the remote control.

 

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

Through his chest with a sharp knife.

 

What have women and floor tiles got in common?

If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for

life.

 

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and

good-looking?

Because those men already have boyfriends.

 

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

 

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

 

What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.

 

Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?

The guy who can have a cup of coffee in each hand and still carry a dozen

donuts.

 

Who is the most popular woman at the nudist colony?

The woman who ate the last donut.

 

What is the difference between a battery and a man?

A battery has a positive side.

 

Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?

When you take it off, you wonder where the breasts went.

 

Do you know the punishment for bigamy?

Two mothers-in-law.

 

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

 

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

 

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the

front door, whom do you let in first?

The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

 

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A woman that won't do what she's told.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months.

I don't like to interrupt her.

 

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by

90%.

It is called Wedding Cake.

 

Marriage is a 3-ring circus:

Engagement Ring

Wedding Ring,

Suffering.

Our last fight was my fault.

My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, Dust!"

 

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.

Then God created Man and rested.

Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

 

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, I haven't eaten anything in four days."

She looked at him and said, God, I wish I had your willpower."

 

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man

doesn't know his wife until he

marries her?"

Dad: "That happens in every country, son."

 

Edited March 20, 2004 by squeakage

[tronicz]

[squeakage]

hope its not too offensive

[ChrisT]

I doubt you will offend anyone.... sept maybe Ben

[russelldust]

QUOTE (ChrisT @ Mar 21 2004, 12:31)

I doubt you will offend anyone.... sept maybe Ben

that makes the assumption he understands them...

[Tresh]

I'm deeply offended.

[paula]

u love it really tresh

[Tresh]

Do I??

[Galaxy2504]

QUOTE (squeakage @ Mar 20 2004, 22:34)

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 45 lbs. What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 mins. What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman? Sexual Harassment. What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man? £3.99 a minute. How can you tell if your wife is dead? The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up. How can you tell if your husband is dead? The sex is the same, but you get the remote control. What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife. What have women and floor tiles got in common? If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving. What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The guy who can have a cup of coffee in each hand and still carry a dozen donuts. Who is the most popular woman at the nudist colony? The woman who ate the last donut. What is the difference between a battery and a man? A battery has a positive side. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra? When you take it off, you wonder where the breasts went. Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law. How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, whom do you let in first? The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman that won't do what she's told. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It is called Wedding Cake. Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring Wedding Ring, Suffering. Our last fight was my fault. My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, Dust!" In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested. A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, God, I wish I had your willpower." Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: "That happens in every country, son."

Don't mind the odd Blonde joke. But i do think this is quite offensive. Wouldn't expect it off a female either. Hope i'm not being to Offensive.

[squeakage]

its all meant in jest

[Ginge]

QUOTE (squeakage @ Mar 21 2004, 17:34)

its all meant in jest

[djiceman]

love them..........

[snowqueen]

kool.hehe

[Guest Don]

I'm offended that I'm not offended by those jokes...

[Ian Cashman]

QUOTE (Galaxy2504 @ Mar 21 2004, 17:07)

Don't mind the odd Blonde joke. But i do think this is quite offensive. Wouldn't expect it off a female either. Hope i'm not being to Offensive.

please tell me you are joking...????