Barbie and Kens' letters to Santa

[MissyZ]

Barbie's letter to Santa:

 

 

Dear Santa,

 

Listen you fat troll, I've been saving your ass every year, being the perfect Christmas Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in December and dressing in fake Channel at sappy tea parties. I hate to break it to ya Santa, but it’s payback time. There had better be some changes around here, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown, and trust me, you don't wanna be around to smell it.

 

These are my demands for Christmas 2000:

 

1. Sweat pants and an oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker in hot pink bikinis. Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and Velcro up your butt? I don't suppose you do.

 

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. That cheap-o moulded underwear some genius at Mattel came up with looks like cellulite!

 

3. A REAL man... I don't care if you have to go to Hasbro to get him, but BRING ME GI JOE. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that pathetic bump of a boy toy, Ken. And what was up with that earring anyway? HULLO!?!

 

4. It's about time you made us all anatomically correct. Give me arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

 

5. Breast reduction surgery. 'Nuff said.

 

6. A sports bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

 

7. A new career. Pet doctor and schoolteacher make real money.

 

8. A new, more update persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie," complete with a pint of cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips.

 

9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl complexion.

 

10. Mattel stock options. It's been 40 years - I think I deserve a piece of the action.

 

Considering my valuable contribution to society and Mattel, I think these demands are reasonable. If you don't like it, you can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas. It's that simple.

 

As ever,

 

Barbie

 

 

* * *

 

 

Ken's letter to Santa:

 

Dear Santa,

 

It has come to my attention that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, specifically asking for anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my sexuality and some of my fashion choices. I would like to take this opportunity to inform you of issues concerning Ms. Barbie, as well as some of my own needs and desires:

 

First, I, along with several of my colleagues, feel Ms. Barbie DOES

NOT deserve the preferential treatment she has received over the years.

That bitch has everything. Neither I, Joe, nor The Raggedys, Ann & Andy, have dream houses, Corvettes, dune buggies, or evening gowns, and some of us do not even have the ability to change our hairstyle. I have had a limited wardrobe, obviously designed to complement, but never upstage Ms. Barbie.

 

My decision to accessorize with an earring was immediately quashed, which I protest, for it was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.

 

I would like a change in my career to further explore my creative nature. Some options that could be considered are "Decorator Ken,"

"Beauty Salon Ken," or "Broadway Ken." Other avenues that could be considered are: "Go-Go Ken," "Impersonator Ken" (with wigs and gowns), or "West Hollywood Ken." These would more accurately reflect my interests and, I believe, open up markets that have been unexplored.

 

As for Ms. Barbie needing bendable arms so she can "push me away",

I need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb.

 

In closing, further concessions to the Blonde Bimbo from Hell, while the needs of others within my coalition are ignored, will result in legal action to be taken by myself and others.

 

And kindly tell Ms. Barbie she can forget about G.I. Joe...he's mine, at least that's what he said last night.

 

Sincerely,

 

Ken