40 ways women fail in bed ...

[James]

40 ways women fail in bed ...

 

1. MILKING IT: When stroking a guy's dick don't grab it like a bus

rail and start jerking it like you were milking a cow. Don't use the

penis as if it's a piece of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms. The male

organ is a thing of wonder and beauty, and should be worshipped and held tenderly

at all times.The sensitive part is at the top (where your face should

be), not two-thirds of the way down.

 

2. LETHAL WEAPONS: A guy's scrotum is a wondrous aesthetic achievement

of nature to be treated gently. Don't squeeze the balls like you are

squeezing water from a sponge. If you have long nails pull them off

with pliers before even looking at a guy's ball bag.

 

3. ROBOTS: When sucking a guy's dick don't just get on the end of the

thing and jam your head back and forward. It's a beautiful instrument; it

should be caressed, inspected, kissed and licked from every angle.

 

4. SILENT FRIGHT: If you've come and cannot be arsed to scream to show

your appreciation, at least make some sort of sign to inform the guy

that he's done his duty and can blow his biscuits whenever he wants. A

finger up his arse should do the trick.

 

5. PHONE TURN-Off: Don't put your mobile phone next to the bed and

say: "I'm just waiting for a call from my hairdresser to confirm an

appointment but we can carry on in the meantime." Ringing bells might have turned

Quasimodo on but not your average stud with 10 pints of lager inside

him.

 

6. NO LAUGHING MATTER: Don't laugh if your creative male lover gets

carried away and says things like "Ride my hard cock you filthy

cock-sucking slut" or "I want to rinse your mouth with my fresh, white love juice

Laughter at any aspect of the male performance will not enhance it. Just

be grateful you've got a guy who can speak whole sentences.

 

7. CLOSING UP: If a man is willing to take the trouble to come on your

face, don't close your eyes. He wants you to share this ecstatic moment of

joyful union with him. Semen is not likely to cause permanent

blindness in most cases - but this is a risk you should be prepared to take for his

happiness.

 

8. POOR PRESENTATION: Presentation is all important. Don't wait to be

asked to get it doggy-style. Roll over and present. You know you love

it.

 

9. HANGING AROUND: When he is done, you should not kiss and cuddle,

he does not want to touch you. You should leave the bed and leave him in

peace. If you are a one-night stand you should leave the premises with

out thieving anything or asking for a phone number.

 

10. BEING SHY: Always offer the Hershey Highway. You know you love it.

If you don't like it that much, still offer it as you can quite easily

play with yourself as he rams away.

 

11. BEING A DRIP: You always have tissues in your bag, use them to

clean his sheets and any ball bag drippage if you have misbehaved and

not swallowed everything.

 

12. LACK OF MAINTENANCE: Never ask a man if he likes your body as you

will force him to lie. Men don't like fat chicks. Get in the gym and lose

some weight and tighten those buns and thighs. here is no such thing as

the perfect body. 99.6 per cent of men say that even Christy, Elle,

Naomi et al could still lose a few pounds -so what chance have you got?

 

13. CLOCK-WATCHING: Never, ever, ever, ever even think of saying: "Are

you going to come soon." If you're doing a blowie, you'd have to take

your mouth off to utter the question. If you're giving a hand-job, you

should have gone to the gym to [censored] your biceps. Of he's shagging you

and takes more than 10 minutes you should be grateful. This is not a

time trial but a blissful act of union between two sexually aware and gifted human

beings.

 

14. FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS: Don't ask him if you're the best lover

he's ever had. Most men have had so many sexual partners that it is

unlikely that you are. Please don't ask a man to lie about such an

important thing.

 

15. PLAYING DEAD: Don't just lie there, do something. Good sex is not

a spectator sport and it helps if both parties move around a bit. I

know you expect the men to do all the hard and skillful [censored]. We don't

mind that and we're blessed with the equipment and know-how to do it but at

least put some effort into the act to show your appreciation.

 

16. BEING POSSESSIVE: If you are lucky to have an imaginative lover

who can satisfy two women at a time don't sneer at or reject his exciting

suggestion that one of your friends joins you to make up a threesome.

If he's a real man he's probably shagging her anyway. Plus you might

learn something from her to keep your man really happy.

 

17. NOT KEEPING YOUR HAIR ON: Don't shave all your pubic hair off. It

makes your pussy look like a piece of poultry past its sell-by date.

At best, it looks like the snatch of a ten-year-old. If you want to

trim, go for a nice sexy racing stripe in the manner favoured by the Playboy models

that your man would rather be shagging.

 

18. SPITTING IT OUT: When a man has gone to so much trouble to

ejaculate and get his aim right into your mouth, it is rude to spit it

out without savouring the taste and gluey texture. You should play with semen

like a block of Hubba Bubba, blowing bubbles, chewing and throwing from

side to side. A line like "I love it when you come in my mouth" makes for a

happy finale to fun and games.

 

19. INGRATITUDE: Never forget to thank a man for all the effort and

energy he has expended on making love to you - especially if a) sex has

lasted more than five minutes and/or you managed to achieve an

orgasm. A man' s role in sex is far more demanding than a woman's so it is always

nice when one's prowess is appreciated.

 

20. SEEKING FAVOURS: Never contemplate taking advantage of your man's

warm after-sex glow to seek favours or make requests. As he drops off into

well-deserved slumber, resist the urge to ask :"Do you think I should

buy that dress/skirt/sofa/Mercedes/country cottage?" there is a name for

the practice of mixing sex with material gain - prostitution.

 

21. BED-RIDDEN: Too many women fail in bed because they insist on

being IN BED. Very few countries have statutes limiting horseplay to a

designated room. Let yourself go with some sex in the study, bonking in

the bathroom and kinkiness in the kitchen. If you're lucky, your man might

imagine he's bonking someone sexy and adventurous and he might manage a larger,

harder erection.

 

22. SHARING NOT CARING: Whilst it is understandable that you would be

excited after receiving a mouthful of cum, do not be thoughtless in

expressing your gratitude by kissing your man on the lips. YOU like

semen, HE doesn't. Be considerate, please.

 

23. BEING NAKED: Very few female bodies are good to look it so please

make an effort to cover up as much as possible with exotic lingerie. Match

the outfit to suit your bod. If you've got a half-decent arse but no

tits for example, wear stockings and suspenders and cover your meagre

mammaries with something silky.

 

24. TOO BRIGHT: If the man switches the light off, it is for a reason,

so please don't insist on seeing what's going on. If he's got a bit of

a beer belly or a lovebite from a bonk earlier that day, it is his right

to keep such matters to himself. If he wants it dark so he can imagine

he's shafting Natalie Imbruglia, please understand this fascinating aspect

of the male psyche.

 

25. PLAYING THE NAME GAME (1) Never embarrass a gentleman by

challenging him to remember your name after he's shagged you. If he

thought it was important to remember your name, he would have.

 

26. PLAYING THE NAME GAME (2): Don't be angry if you're lover shouts

out another woman's name during the sexual act. Men have much more

complicated lives than women and deal with many more people at [censored],

football club, gym, pub, etc. It's probably just a close associate and totally

innocent. Of course, he might be shagging someone else in his spare time

and it is nderstandable that he should make such an obvious mistake.

 

27. KEEPING HIM WAITING: Don't get him all turned on and the let his

proud stiffy whither while you go to the bathroom and tone and

moisturise every square centimetre of your body. The male erection can

be sensitive to 45-minute delays while you go off to make yourself look presentable.

If you must follow a strict beauty regime, do it after he's shot his

load and has started to snore.

 

28. TOOTH ACHE: When we ask you to eat our cock, this should not be

taken literally. I know it's hard to resist but keep the tooth action to

a little nibble now and again.

 

29. YOU CAN'T HURRY, LOVE: If a woman is serious about good oral sex

as part of foreplay, 20 minutes is the bare minimum required to give

the subtle and complex penis a reasonable working over. Better allow for 45

minutes at least.

 

30. TWO DIMENSIONAL: It's not enough to be a specialist - even in the

important skill of fellatio. To be regarded as a successful woman in bed

you must have a full portfolio of tricks. These should include a penchant

for facial glazing and a familiarity with idiosyncrasies of your man's

anal region.

 

31. CAMERA SHY: If he wants to capture the beauty that is you during

those special moments (so he can remember the bits he missed because he

was drunk), help him by posing in a gorgeous, pouting way for the camera

or video camera.

 

32. UNSWEET SMELL OF EXCESS: While men are more than happy to lick the

pink clam, please give it a bit of a wash once or twice a week. You can

have too much of a good thing.

 

33. OBSESSIVE: The female orgasm is over-rated so don't spoil

everybody's fun by insisting on having one every time you have sex. Of

course, if you do have lots, you should feel free to announce them.

 

34. PERIOD PAIN (1) : It's natural for a woman to beg for a good

seeing to but please do not a) pretend your period has finished or

that it hasn't even started. Just go without and let your man catch up with his

fantasies about your friends, his young and pretty [censored] colleagues and

the girls he shagged before he met you.

 

35. PERIOD PAIN (2): Having said that (above), just because you're on

the blob, it doesn't mean his natural and healthy urges have gone away.

Don't put sex off limits for the duration of your period. Use this

special time together to [censored] on your oral and massage techniques.

 

36. THE BIG SWITCH (OFF): Nothing is worse than giving a man some

encouragement and then not finishing the job. Such encouragement might

be the slightest brush against any part of his body. So if he's got a

stiffy, you've got to deal with it and take things through to there

natural conclusion.

 

37. WAKE-UP CALLER: Men have busy and demanding schedules so please

understand if he should occasionally (say three times a week) fall

asleep while on the job. You should take it as a compliment that he

feels so relaxed.

 

38. COVER UP: If you have lured a man to bed under the guise of being

a sultry temptress with long eyelashes and painted lips, please keep the

illusion going until he has discharged his porridge gun or

fallen asleep. If you care about him, you will make sure he never

discovers the terrible secret hidden beneath your caked-on make-up.

 

39. PUTTING A DAMPENER ON THE EVENING: Don't make a fuss about

sleeping on the damp patch. If God wanted men to sleep on the messy

remains of coitus he would have given us a snatch.

 

40. TV SINNER: The only TV programmes suitable for accompanying good

sex are hardcore porn (especially involving yourself) or a football match.

No gardening or knitting programmes to be watched.