A Christmas Rhyme

[Evilhedfuk]

T'was the night before Christmas and all through the flat

The techno was blaring, 'twas too loud to chat

The rizlas were perched on the table with care

And smoke full of chemicals soon filled the air

 

We'd just been out clubbing, I truly was trashed

My friends were all here and equally mashed

We'd popped a few pills and we'd had a quick sniff

And just settled down to a nice tasty spliff

 

When out on the balcony rose such a clatter

We looked slowly up to see what was the matter

I got to my feet and I swayed to the door

And only occasionally fell on the floor

 

I peered through the glass as I took a long puff

The land glistened softly with rubbish and stuff

When what to my wandering eyes should appear

But a fat man in red and a team of reindeer

 

He yelled and he ranted, gave each one a kick

I knew in a second it must be Saint Nick

He shrieked at each Reindeer and cursed them alike

"F*ck you!" yelled Rudolph "we're going on strike!"

 

The reindeer did turn and soar into the sky

And Santa growled something that wasn't goodbye

I watched as they went in a puff of pink smoke

And vowed from now on to stay off of the coke

 

As debris did settle St Nick turned around

He swore as he angrily kicked at the ground

He gave me a gesture that clearly implied

He'd be very pleased if I let him inside

 

I threw the doors open and ushered him in

Invited him through with a welcoming grin

"So where are our presents?" my ed flatmate cried

With a look of astonishment, Santa replied;

 

"You seriously think you might be on my list?

You've got to be kidding, you're taking the piss!

Have you lot considered your actions this year?

Stop being stupid and get me a beer."

 

He opened a tooheys, but still looked depressed

We asked him to tell us what made him so stressed

"My reindeer have left me" he said with a sigh

"Unless I have reindeer I've no way to fly!"

 

"Now look here" I told him "we may not know much

We don't help old ladies, kiss babies and such,

But Santa, there's no need for you to despair

We know how to get you back up in the air!"

 

I chopped up a line with precision and skill

And rolled him up neatly a £20 bill

His face lit up quickly with real Christmas cheer

"Perhaps you kids WILL get some presents this year!"

 

He spoke not a word but got straight to his mission

He snorted that line with wholehearted ambition

Then Santa skinned up and he smiled as he puffed

We knew that our stockings this year would be stuffed

 

He sprang to the balcony, leapt from the railing

Soared to the sky with his present-sack trailing

I heard him exclaim as he flew out of sight,

"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"