[ Jokes & Fun Stuff ] - Absolute CLASSIC ...

[James]

I was spending the day in the house on my own and had

already knocked out a few arm breakers when I decided

there was more to life than burping the worm all the

time. My blue veined hooligan had been getting a bit

sore lately as a result and it was therefore time for

my womb-broom to experience a bit of action and allow

my kojaks money box to shoot some filthy yoghurt into

some womans furry letter box. Feeding the pigeons is

OK but not to the extent I had been doing it.

 

Later that evening I prepared myself for a night on

the town with the boys. There's no better preparation

then having baked one for hours and then feeling the

ecstasy of releasing the chocolate hostage. It's

funny, as soon as the pace car is away the rest comes

roaring out of the pits behind it. As a rule I

generally back one out twice a day.

 

Anyway I get to the night club. There are a few swamp

donkies and salad dodgers hanging around like flies

around shite and a few that look like they have been

ram raiding on scooters. Then I caught the eye of

this aeroplane blond (one who had dyed her hair but still

had a black box). She was tall and slim with massive

jugs with nipples sticking through her dress the

size of fighter pilots thumbs - amazing. She walked

towards me and my mind started to [censored] overtime. It

looked like I would be feeding the horses tonight if I

played my cards right. We got talking and it didn't

take long to get onto the subject of sex - she was

definitely a hose monster (one who can't get enough of

the hose) I thought to myself.

 

We talked all night in the club and we ended up at

mine where the topic of sex continued. By this point

my spunk trumpet was like a horse's handbrake.

I could tell she was getting arosed with all this

dirty chat so I ripped off her blouse and sunk my

mouth into her bazookas biting her nipples that

were now the size of JCB starter buttons - She was

loving it. I had been a harbour master in my time

(one who gets behind the wheel of tugs) but

this one was an exception.

 

It was time my hands wondered down stairs in search of

her womb ferret. When I found it it was wetter than a

otters pocket, and so I began to rub her beaver

frantically. At the same time she put her hand in my

pants and continued to choke the chicken and then on

to smoking the whitehouse cigar taking it deep into

her throat until my cock was like a diamond cutter.

 

With my hair trigger I didn't want to be labelled a

dress messer so I pulled out before it was too late.

After a short break I had her knickers off but

to my horror there was a cotton pony hanging out of

her bacon rashers - I soon got rid of that. I was

then faced with a decision, should I go for the

easy pink or the tight brown - I decided to play safe

on this occasion.

 

Like a rat up a drain pipe I proceeded to bend one in

and in no time I was porking her with my conkers deep

inside her double doors. Missionary first then onto

playing the double bass Doggy style with left hand on

left tit and right hand on muff). I can't play the

double bass so I started to bang away inside her as

hard as I could until she was shaking like a shiting

dog and my guy rope (the skin connecting the fly sheet

to the tent pole) was almost splitting.

 

The time had come to empty my concrete. She had

already told me she was on the Benny Hill (not that it

mattered) but decided to play safe again and shot my

sperm blunderbus across her bows. Instead of firing

my baby gravy over her belly and tits because of my

excitement I ended up giving her a pearl necklace and

other jelly jewellery to match. I decided to go down

on her to finish off the job but because she was up on

blocks (a leak from under the bonnet) I

realised it was going to get messy as my cock already

looked like a barbers pole. [censored] it I thought and

proceeded to take my first sip from the hairy teacup.

It stunk like an anchovies fanny and could feel the

mexican lipstick all over my chops but I did'nt give a

[censored] as I hadn't been muff diving for ages. She'd

come for England and I knew she had enjoyed it as she

was then all over me like a cheap suit. I also

must have given her a right good seeing to as when she

got up to clean herself up in the loo she was walking

like John Wayne.

 

This was two weeks ago now and haven't had a sniff

since so I'm back to spanking the monkey again. I've

considered turning gay but those camp turd burgling

chutney ferrets make me sick. The thought of a crafty

butcher (one who likes taking his meat around the

back) pushing his chocolate lolly pop up my rusty sheriff's

badge and into my soil sump doesn't really appeal.

 

As up- hill gardening with arsetronauts is definitely

not my scene I'm happy to stick to my bell ringing

even if it does end up making me blind.

 

Anyway I'm off to drop the kids off at the pool for

the last time today - Bye.