ha ha ha ha

[Agent]

DRUNK WOMEN:

 

CLUES TO CALLING IT A NIGHT - YOU KNOW IT'S TIME TO GO HOME WHEN:

 

1. You have absolutely no idea where your shoes are.

 

2. You've just had to get someone to help you pull your knickers up in the toilets.

 

3. You suddenly decide you want to start a fight.

 

4. In your last trip to the bathroom you realise you how look more like Gail from Coronation Street than the goddess you were just 4 hours ago.

 

5. You drop your 3am chips on the floor of AbraKebabra and pick them

up & carry on eating.

 

6. You start crying.

 

7. There are less than 3 hours before you're due to start [censored].

 

8. You've found a deeper side to nerdy Derek from payroll.

 

9. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing becomes strangely overwhelming.

 

10. You've forgotten where you live.

 

11. You start to sound like Tina Turner from the cigarettes you've smoked. Oh, and as you have mentioned 10 TIMES by now, you only smoke when

you drink.

 

12. You yell at the barman, who (you think) cheated you by giving you just tonic, but that's just because you can no longer taste the gin.

 

13. You think you're in bed, but your pillow feels strangely like pizza..

 

14. You start every conversation with a booming, 'Don't take this the wrong way but...'

 

15. You fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when you sit on it.

 

16. Your sloppy hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.

 

7. You no longer smell of Chanel No.5 and instead reek of pot-pourri

 

18. You're out-burping the lads.

 

19. You just HAVE to tell your friends that you love them so much,just one more time.

 

20. You're at a table of strangers, flashing your tits, and you don't remember how you got there.

 

21. You're so tired so you just sit on the floor.

 

22. Your handbag is dancing around YOU

[Agent]

The following are extracts from actual letters sent by Council tenants to Housing Departments around the London Boroughs.

 

 

 

 

...I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off

 

...I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage

 

...and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

 

...My lavatory seat is cracked. Where do I stand now?

 

....I am writing on behalf of my sink which is coming away from the wall.

 

...Will you please send someone to mend the garden path.My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

 

...We are getting married in September and we would like it in the garden before we move into the house

 

...I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen

 

...Can you please tell me when the repairs will be done as my wife is about to become an expectant mother

 

...50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are just plain filthy

 

...I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

 

...The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared

 

... Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny colour and notfit to drink

 

...Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces

 

...I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

 

...The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous

 

...Our kitchen floor is damp. We have 2 children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it

 

...I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night

 

...Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife

 

...I have had a clerk of the works down on the floor 6 times but I still have no satisfaction

 

...This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2.

 

... My bush is really overgrown around the front and my back passage has fungus growing on it.

 

...and he's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I

just can't take it anymore.

 

... that is his excuse for dogs' mess that I find hard to swallow

 

 

[rainbowgurl]

[Tidy Girl]

i dont drink but number 19 on the 1st 1 sounds familar!

[Shenlong]

haha, i know whatcha mean

[Agent]

9 and 10 in the first one i have done more than once, not due to drink tho