CTW summarised:

[Mr Happy]

A GUIDE TO THE MOST POPULAR TOPICS ON CLUBBING MESSAGE BOARDS.

 

 

1. THE NEWBIE THREAD

 

The most predictable thread there is starts with someone saying "hello, I'm new" as their first post and be greeted with replies of "hi" back. Sometimes there are variations on this monotonous theme. These include sarcastic comments to those who are 'random and kerazee', extra attention from the guys if the newbie has blonde hair, warnings to "watch out for so and so, he eats children, don't talk to so and so, she's got genital warts" and the most irritating reply of them all..."welcome to the madhouse"...aarrggh. However, the newbie will usually [censored] off and never be seen again. Most people who stick around on the board never posted a "hello I'm new" thread.

 

2. THE AIRING DIRTY LAUNDRY THREAD

 

This is perhaps the most entertaining type of thread there is. It's often former friends, or ex-partners, who temporarily lose all dignity and self respect as they launch into a verbal tirade against each other. Nothing is secret, and no subject taboo, as many embarrassing aspects of their personal life are revealed for all to see as they dig themselves deeper whilst trying to get one over one another. All kinds of things are said in which the proprietor will later regret, like 'I'm a virgin', 'you're ugly', 'you've got hairy nipples' and 'I've had your mum'. Sometimes a spoilsport will advise them to 'keep it to private topics', but the wise just sit back and enjoy, if only Big Brother was like this.

 

3. THE RANDOM KERAZEEE THREAD

 

There was a time when these sorts of threads were an acceptable part of the Internet clubbing community. But, as in real life, times change, though not everyone has cottoned on to this. Threads like 'What's the most random thing you've ever done' will be met with sarcastic replies, or the slightly more blatant "[censored] off". However the post proprietor will often carry on, oblivious to the cynicism in their own fluffy world, talking about how "my aubergine's on fire and I've lost my shoe horn" and "you cant fall off the floor, unless you've had too many pills then you can fall off the universe! Woohoo!". What's the number for the Samaritans?

 

4. THE EPIC THREAD

 

 

Every now and then full-scale war starts on a message board with an 'epic thread'. If this type of thread were a film it'd be Schlinders List, if it was a book War & Peace, and if it was a queue it'd be in Russia. Sometimes starting quite innocently, this thread quickly develops into the daddy of the board with hundreds of replies, massive arguments, heated debates and even spin-off threads about the thread itself. You can't plan an epic thread, it just happens, like death.

 

5. THE PICK ON SOMEONE THREAD

 

Picking on people is all part of being British you know, and message boards are no exception (even if they're not British). All it needs is for the things to be a bit slow, one person to write a derogatory statement against a board member who is a tad strange, and all hell will break loose. The strange person will turn to the board for help, but all it does is turn the post into a theatre with amusing insults hurled from all corners. Other people will join in the character assassination without having anything against the person, but they're bored and good at arguing on the Internet. So it's OK really.

 

6. THE GET A ROOM THREAD

 

Love online, as we all know, is stupid. Well most of us know that but it doesn't stop the occasional wannabe couple virtual leg humping each other all over our virtual faces. To them everyone is green eyed or well impressed that the two in question have someone who fancies them enough to put post after post up to their 'little cuddle bunny' or 'favourite chubby egg'. The only thing that makes it bearable is that when they do eventually meet, it will be a huge disappointment, one will be ugly or the other a convicted sex offender, and we can all breath a long smug sigh of relief that the mini 'mills and boon' is over.

 

7. THE 'THIS BOARD IS TOO CLIQUEY' THREAD

 

Perhaps in real life the sort of people who start these threads can walk into a room and instantly be best mates with everyone, but it just doesn't work like that on the net. Instead of sticking around, making an effort and perhaps go to a meet-up, these people choose to spit their dummy out and throw their glowsticks out of their pram claming "you're all really cliquey and it's not fair!" Of course when you finally meet the person you understand why they never fitted in in the first place and think "thank [censored] for the clique!"

 

8. THE PROMOTIONAL THREAD

 

It costs hundreds of pounds to advertise on the web, but putting one up on a message board is free! Due to this clubbing message boards are laden with club promoters advertising their nights. Those who are not disheartened with seeing their posts quickly drop off the page with no replies soon adopt new tactics in their bid to attract the message board masses. These include registering under an alias and replying with a post such as "wow! That night looks really good!", booking DJs who use the board to play and continuously 'bumping' the thread back to the top.

 

9. THE POINTLESS LONG THREAD

 

Started at times of extreme boredom comes those irritating examples of exactly how easily amused message board users can be. The likes of word association games causes page upon page of meaningless whittle. They serve only to make the people participating feel like they're part of something and the thread starter feel all big and clever. However they annoy the hell out of everyone on the board who have something worth posting on topics worth posting on.

 

10. THE CHILDREN'S TV NOSTALGIA THREAD

 

This post keeps coming back over and over and over again. You can almost hear the squeals of delights as the easily pleased try to remember the words to the theme tune of 'Ulysses' whilst recalling how much they loved Ed the Duck when one of these posts reappears. What makes it even worse is the more times someone has posted on one such thread, the more shows they remember for next time. A bit like football stickers but completely different. Perhaps the only good thing about such threads is that you can tell on the board who is failing to cope with adult life. It is likely that the people who revel in these threads will follow their children's TV presenter heroes into a life of sexual abuse, paedophilia and drug addiction.

 

11. THE 'I'VE GOT THIS FRIEND' THREAD

 

Many a time you'll see posts about a friends 'problem' displayed on the web for thousands of people from all round the world to see. You wouldn't tell a room full of people that your best mate is a compulsive liar or addicted to porn, but because it's on the Internet, that makes it alright. It's unwritten law that it's OK to display a friend's entire personal history on the web without their knowledge or consent, just as long as they don't use the web themselves.

 

12. THE 'GREETINGS FROM' THREAD

 

When a message board user finds themselves in an exotic, interesting, or unusual place they often feel the need to find a net cafe and tell everyone where they are. This place could be Ibiza, Peru or the net cafe at Birmingham New Street. There are two reasons why they feel obliged to do this. Either they can't bear to be without the board, or they're boasting and really meaning, "Haha I'm in a hot country and you're not you fuckers!"

 

13. THE SLATING A CLUB THREAD

 

Message boards seem to attract a lot of whingers who all they want to do is moan about a club not being as good as it used to be, or being too much about the money. However, the people doing the bitching will still go to the club in question week in week out. It's often a sign of how well a club is doing to see how much it gets slated on a message board. Notice how the Ministry of Sound doesn't get ripped apart very much nowadays?

 

14. THE IN JOKES THREAD

 

Some message board users take great delight in knowing that only a few people in their social circle know what the hell they're on about. Often a new 'buzz' word or phrase will suddenly appear on the board and be used to death at every opportunity. The more needy getting frustrated, as if feeling that knowing what they're on about will gain them acceptance to the in crowd. If a board has an FAO forum this occurs on a smaller level with 2 people talking discreetly amongst themselves knowing full well that other people are reading and not knowing what they're on about. These 2 people could communicate by e-mail, private message or phone, but doing it this way they are crying out for attention "my life is interesting, honest!"

 

15. THE WIND-UP THREAD

 

One of the easiest ways to relieve boredom, both in life and on the Net, is to try and wind people up purely for your own amusement. And it is easy to on a message board, just lay out the bait (like a thread entitled "all disabled people should be shot" or "everyone who likes Hard House is ugly") and within an hour or 2 you'll need a very big net to haul all the gullible fuckers in. Many message board users are oblivious piss taking, perhaps blinded by their eagerness to jump onto their moral high horse at any opportunity.

 

16. THE 'WHO DO YOU WANT TO SHAG OFF THE BOARD' THREAD

 

This has the potential to be interesting, however it normally fails to deliver. The most common answers are "I'm not saying" (then why bother posting?), "My girl/boyfriend" (huh..like never would have guessed) or the names of the most popular girl/boy on the board. Occasionally someone will be honest and list about 15 people who they'd like to get their end away with (though this is rare) and they'll always be complaints that the thread is too cliquey (by those who didn't get any votes coincidentally enough).

 

17. THE THREAD WITH NO REPLIES

 

Demoralising.

 

18. THE DRUGS ARE GOOD/BAD THREAD

 

As likely to ever be resolved as the marmite debate, the drugs Vs 'feeling the music' topic rears it's pale sweaty face every couple of months. The argument will often begin with an off the cuff comment by someone saying that they cant understand why some people choose to get so off their faces whilst clubbing, for them 'it's all about the tunes'. This is like waving a needle at a smack head and the pro drug lobby is straight in there, some with reasonable responses and others (perhaps tongue in cheek) making it quite clear that they cant think of anything worse than being in a club and having the faintest idea what's going on. Arguments like this will never reach a conclusion, though it is an excuse for people to try and be funny.

 

19. THE 'MY MESSAGE BOARD IS BETTER THAN YOUR MESSAGE BOARD' THREAD

 

The only thing that brought everyone together when you were younger was a mutual hatred for the nearest school. This continues into adulthood on the board with a fierce rivalry between the users of the clubbing boards. Arguments between the users of a board will often end with a statement such as "well at least we're not like the other board" to mutual agreement. Despite the boards all being made up of 100s of different people, they will be grouped together stereotypically and summarised universally by their rival board as "too nicey nicey" or "all harsh wankers". It doesn't matter that the users of the clubbing boards are of similar ages, tastes, personalities and get on when they meet in person as on the board, it's war!

 

20. THE 'I'M LEAVING' THREAD

 

Once in a while one of the more mentally imbalanced members of the message board will get their knickers in a twist about something minor and announce to everyone that they're leaving, forever! Though of course they're not really going (unfortunately), they're just trying to boost their ego and hope to get talked into staying. Some people would call these threads 'a cry for help', though really it's just attention seeking.

 

DISCLAIMER: Any similarities to real people, characters and events from message boards are unlikely to be coincidental. Indeed we have no imagination, so have based this entire piece around what we've seen on various clubbing message boards and some of the people who frequent them. So if you think we're talking about you in any of the above then you're probably right.

 

 

Edited October 6, 2003 by Mr_Happy

[Mr Moo]

Ive that that before sumwhere.

[Mr Happy]

Mr_Moo said:

Ive that that before sumwhere.

 

bothered

[Jimmy]

Mr_Moo said:

Ive that that before sumwhere.

 

that that that aye?

[James]

happy - you lazy arse - sort out the formatting codes

[CreamyC]

Mr_Moo said:

Ive that that before sumwhere.

 

Its done the rounds a few times aitn it.

[CreamyC]

James said:

happy - you lazy arse - sort out the formatting codes

 

Yeah ... you lazy cunt.

[Mr Happy]

James said:

happy - you lazy arse - sort out the formatting codes

bah - if i must

[Mr Happy]

CreamyC said:

Mr_Moo said:

Ive that that before sumwhere.

 

Its done the rounds a few times aitn it.

 

tru - but not every1 ready everything thats posted on here. so i thought some people might appretiate a recap

[CreamyC]

Mr_Happy said:

CreamyC said:

Mr_Moo said:

Ive that that before sumwhere.

 

Its done the rounds a few times aitn it.

 

tru - but not every1 ready everything thats posted on here. so i thought some people might appretiate a recap

 

Yeah cool.

[James]

in which case happy, find the original thread and 'bump de bump' it

[Dawn]

Mr_Happy said:

James said:

happy - you lazy arse - sort out the formatting codes

bah - if i must

 

Do you know how??

[Mr Happy]

CreamyC said:

Mr_Happy said:

CreamyC said:

Mr_Moo said:

Ive that that before sumwhere.

 

Its done the rounds a few times aitn it.

 

tru - but not every1 ready everything thats posted on here. so i thought some people might appretiate a recap

 

Yeah cool.

 

there u go. that wasnt so hard being nice was it

[CreamyC]

Too late, your days are numbered.

[Mr Happy]

James said:

in which case happy, find the original thread and 'bump de bump' it

 

never read the original thread on here. only read it 2day for the 1st time. i seem to remember reading one about users, but not about threads.