The Office Christmas Party

[nuthead53]

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

RE: Christmas Party

DATE: December 1

 

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take

place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet room at Luigi's

Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a

small band playing traditional carols ... feel free to sing along.

 

And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A

Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 P.M. Exchange of gifts among

employees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over

$10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This

gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special

announcement at that time!

 

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

 

Patty

 

 

 

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: December 2

RE: Holiday Party

 

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish

employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday that

often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.

However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party."

 

The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanza at

this time. There will be no Christmas tree. No, Christmas carols sung.

We will have another type of music for your enjoyment.

 

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

 

Patty

 

 

 

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: December 3

RE: Holiday Party

 

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous

requesting a

non-drinking table... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to

accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads,

"AA Only," you wouldn't be anonymous anymore, would you?

 

How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? And forget about the

gift exchange; no gifts are allowed since union members feel that $10

is too much, and executives think it's chintzy.

 

NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

 

Patty

 

 

 

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To: All Employees

DATE: December 7

RE: Holiday Party

 

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the

Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during

daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate

how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim

employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal

until the end of the party ~ the days are so short this time of year ~

or else package everything for take-home in little foil swans. Will

that work?

 

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit

farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table

closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other.

Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men. Each will have their own

table.

 

Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the

person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing is allowed.

We will have booster seats for short people.

 

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control

the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood

pressure problems to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as

dessert for diabetics, since the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar"

desserts.

 

Did I miss anything?

 

Patty

 

 

 

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: December 8

RE: Holiday Party

 

So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice ... what do you expect me to

do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit

the burning of sage by our "earth-based

Goddess-worshipping" employees, but we'll try to accommodate your

shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks.

 

Okay? Happy now?

 

Patty

 

 

 

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To: All Employees

Date: December 9

RE: Holiday Party

 

C'mon people! Nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress

up like Santa Claus!

Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no

evil conotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's a

tradition, folks, like family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey, or

broken hearts on Valentine's Day.

 

Also the company has changed their mind about making a special

announcement at the gathering. You will get a notification in the mail

sent to your home.

 

Could we lighten up? Please?

 

Patty

 

 

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All #%&$**@ Employees

DATE: December 10

RE: The %#*&^%@*%^ Holiday Party

 

I have no #%&*@*^ idea what the announcement is all about. What the

%#&^!@ do I care?

 

Vegetarians? I've had it with you people! We're going to keep this

party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you

can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as

you put it,

 

Oh yeah.. and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic

tomatoes. But they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice

them. I've heard them scream. I can hear them scream right now! HA!

 

I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

 

Drive drunk and die, you hear me?

 

The B!tch from H&LL!

 

 

 

FROM: Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: December 14

RE: Patty Lewis and the Holiday Party

 

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy

recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the

sanitarium.

 

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party

and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

 

Happy Holidays.

 

Terri.

[Sweet]

[Hardhousehunnij]

lol i had to send that 2 my bro as he is in hr and also hr team at saisnbury's it's so funny

[Cherry]

hehe that's good that. she had such good intentions lol