Some Lame Ass Jokes

[Filthy Monkey]

Hey all,

 

here are some nice lame jokes for you all to enjoy.

 

 

A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his

girlfriend when he's pulled over by the Police.

The police officer approaches him and asks:

"Have you been drinking Sir?" "Why?" asks the man, "Was I

driving badly?"

"No" replies the Officer, "You were driving splendidly.

It was the ugly fat bird in the passenger seat that made me

suspicious"

 

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Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them

back to show off his new flat.

After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by

the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge.

"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.

"Why, that's my Talking Clock", the man replied.

"How does it work?", asked the guest.

"I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an

ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer.

Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed,

"For f**ks sake, it's twenty to two in the f*c*ing morning!"

 

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The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing

into bed, when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache".

"Perfect," her husband said.

"I was just in the bathroom powdering my d*ck with aspirin.

You can take it orally or as a suppository, it's up to

you!!!

 

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A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just

passed away.

At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the

casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that

the woman is Actually alive.

She lived for ten more years, and then dies peacefully.

A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end

of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.

As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch the wall!""

 

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A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn,

she climbs up on Santa's lap.

Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for

Christmas?"

The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and Action Man."

Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I

thought Barbie comes with Ken."

"No," said the little girl. "She comes with Action Man, she

fakes it with Ken."

 

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2 SARS bugs leave the pub after a night of drinking one

turns to the other and says,

'Bloody Hell, I could murder a Chinese'

 

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The other day I phoned my local pizza delivery firm and

asked for a thin and crusty supreme.

They sent me Diana Ross.

 

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There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.

He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one

of the puns would win.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

 

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A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.

She stands next to the barber chair, eating a cake while her

dad gets his haircut.

The barber smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna

get hair on your muffin."

"I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get t*ts too."

 

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Scientist today exhumed beethoven from his grave, when they

opened the coffin, they were shocked to see him playing the piano

backwards, when asked what this meant a spokesman said he was

de-composing

 

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Sky have just won the rights to screen the first World

Origami Championships from Tokyo.

Unfortunately it's only available on Paper View

 

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Sean Connery gets a call from his agent one day.

The agent goes "Sean, i've got you a job, starts tomorrow,

early. You'll have to be there for 10-ish".

Sean furrows his brow and says "Tennish? but I don't even

have a racket."

 

 

 

 

Like i said some are lame but some are funny

[Trouble]

im not impressed

[Filthy Monkey]

hey i did say they were lame

[Trouble]

bite me

 

 

or

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Filthy Monkey]

look at you steeling my pictures... god what a cheap biyatch

[Trouble]

yeah you know you love my sexy arse baby

[Filthy Monkey]

thats all you do you talk soooo much sh*t

 

and if i did how would you know

[Trouble]

i drempt it :'(

[Ginge]

QUOTE

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.

 

I hate jokes that start with lines like that. Kind of states the obvious really.

[Filthy Monkey]

yep sure does ginge, well i did warn ppl that there basicaly shit

[Ginge]

Yeah, true. Credit where credit's due and all that mallarky.

 

Welcome t' board.

Edited August 30, 2004 by Ginge

[Filthy Monkey]

thank you, nice to be here

[Trouble]

yeah thats what you think you wil soon be fleaing in terror

[Phil rr]

*chuckles*.