'Changing' someone.

[Maria]

For example, you meet someone, you love them for who they are / you love them as you found / met them, then you get together in a relationship, and a few weeks / months into the relationship, you obviously get to know them, but they are not really who you met. Do you try and change them ?

 

Say, you didn't like ..

• the way they live each day
• the way they think
• their outlook on life
• the way they possibly see things differently to you
• their career plan
• their beliefes (sp)
• their hopes / dreams
• their hobbies

.. and so on and so on and so on. BUT, say you do genuinely have strong feelings for him / her you WANT to be with him / her and you DO love / him / her, would you try and change this person into someone who basically has the same re: the above list - - as you ? Thus being, maybe for the other person,turning into someone they find boring / don't like ?

 

Personally, I am all for 'what you see is what you get'. If I met someone who didn't like who I was / what I believe in and they try and change me, then I would move on and vice versa. I DO believe there are people who match all things in common and are a perfect match for everyone though.

 

But I just generally wandered, what with some people, who doen't like their partners 'mindset', they try and change them, usualy into someone that isn't really 'them'. I disagree with this COMPLETELY. BUT, there are some daft buggers out there, who, for the sake of 'love' and 'feelings', leave themselves open for their partner to change who they are and their day-to-day lifestyle / social life.

 

Would you stick with someone, who tried to change you, either because a/ you love them or b/ you wouldn't want to be on your own, so you will just stick with the 'change' ?

 

Personally, I would move on and carry on with my life and enjoy 'knowing who I am', rather than be with someone who would / will turn me into someone 'I 'don't know' anymore. I also wouldn't change anyone either as I like people who are THEMSELVES.

 

DISCUSS.

[Alex]

I would not stay with anyone who tried to change me, or for that matter would I want to change someone, I would just move on (no sense in making two lives a missery on the off chance a "change" would occur).

[alasdairm]

QUOTE (Maria @ Sep 20 2004, 03:48)

Would you stick with someone, who tried to change you, either because a/ you love them or b/ you wouldn't want to be on your own, so you will just stick with the 'change' ?

i tried that once - appeasing somebody (by sticking aorund) who tried to change who i was - unmitigated disaster and, after about 9 months of a hellacious relationship, the nastiest break-up i've ever experienced. won't make that mistake again.

 

QUOTE (Maria @ Sep 20 2004, 03:48)

Personally, I would move on and carry on with my life and enjoy 'knowing who I am', rather than be with someone who would / will turn me into someone 'I 'don't know' anymore.  I also wouldn't change anyone either as I like people who are THEMSELVES.

 

word. imho, it's the only way.

 

alasdair

 

Edited September 20, 2004 by alasdairm

[Guest]

QUOTE (alasdairm @ Sep 20 2004, 13:03)

won't make that mistake again.

Well, this is it. Some people learn from making mistakes. I was in this very position going back a few years ago and I to suffered a nasty break up (after 2 bloody years !), but then, I was young and hadn't long finished comprehensive school, and wasn't so 'clued up' back then.

 

I see some people TODAY, who I know on a more personal level on a friendshiup basis, who are involved in a relationship and the other person has changed them and they seem to be not the person I once knew.

 

But then people make mistakes and as you say, the majority learn from making mistakes (even if it does take time) ! Life is full of 'chapters' so-to-speak and everything is an experience that you / we / others learn from, but people should never let someone take control of them. Only YOU are in control of you. Which is how it should be. But then I think it boils down to having the 'strength' to be able to be happy without being with someone who holds some kind of pressure over you which is what makes some of these people 'weak'.

[alasdairm]

QUOTE (Maria @ Sep 20 2004, 05:32)

But then I think it boils down to having the 'strength' to be able to be happy...

nicely put. i think this is the crux of it. it all boils down to being yourself. by which i really mean being true to yourself. and you can't do that if you don't know who you are - we've talked about this, if not here, on the old CTW at length.

 

somebody very dear to me once said: "it's the things we have in common which bring us together, it's our differences which keep us together"

 

by which i believe she meant, it's respect for our partners' differences which create a strong relationship. rather than trying to change somebody, celebrate their diversity. obviously if it doesn't work it doesn't work but if you can do that, truly, things will be great.

 

namsate

 

alasdair

[Guest]

QUOTE (alasdairm @ Sep 20 2004, 13:55)

by which i believe she meant, it's respect for our partners' differences which create a strong relationship. rather than trying to change somebody, celebrate their diversity. obviously if it doesn't work it doesn't work but if you can do that, truly, things will be great.

NAIL BANG ON HEAD.

 

I believe if you don't actually have the respect for a partners differences, then it will, from there, fail !

[russelldust]

you cannot and should not change who you are unless you are an evil nasty person and then you should fuck off to some other country as I don't want you here...

 

... I am so happy being me, warts and all and if a partner couldn't take it then they can fuck right off.

[Ginge]

I use to let my g/f's try and change me....I know...I was stupid...but I was the sort of guy who wanted to make them happy reguardless of how I felt.

 

Wouldnt do it now though, I've been single for over a year and I've really discovered who I am and I like me. I'm not gonna change for anyone...now its "what you see is what you get, take me as I am or dont tale me at all" simple as that really.

[Lisa]

I dont think one should ever try to change a person, compromise yes, but trying to change someone is wrong

 

If the persoin does something you dislike etc, then disscuss it with them, but not try to mould them to how you want, as it will never work

[Phil rr]

QUOTE (Lisa @ Sep 20 2004, 16:46)

If the persoin does something you dislike etc, then disscuss it with them, but not try to mould them to how you want, as it will never work

agreed.

 

You like someone for who they are, not what they do - think that's how it goes, innit?

 

If they do something you don't like, you still like them because you like them, even if you might not like something they did.

Edited September 20, 2004 by Phil rr

[Lisa]

yes thats it Phil, non of us are perfect & at times get it wrong, but unless we are told we are doing wrong how will we ever know??

[Phil rr]

QUOTE (Lisa @ Sep 20 2004, 22:13)

yes thats it Phil, non of us are perfect & at times get it wrong, but unless we are told we are doing wrong how will we ever know??

everyone gets it wrong but ur more likely to listen to advice from someone you like

 

thats one definition of a frient innit...someone who will tell you what ur doing wrong, and you'll like them for it

[Lisa]

Yes I guess it is Phil, someone who will listen, someone who shares with you & you have trust with & no that no matter what you can turn to them when in need etc

 

Hard to find real good ones, but they are out there

[Guest]

QUOTE (Lisa @ Sep 20 2004, 22:43)

Hard to find real good ones, but they are out there

Took me YEARS to find you !

 

Wouldn't swap you for a pot noodle.

[Phil rr]

QUOTE (Maria @ Sep 21 2004, 01:46)

QUOTE (Lisa @ Sep 20 2004, 22:43) Hard to find real good ones, but they are out there Took me YEARS to find you !   Wouldn't swap you for a pot noodle. it's amazing what you can find if you leave Wales